


Your Smile Brightens the Dark

by SmallGiantsKing910



Category: Bleach
Genre: Angst, Background Byakuya/Renji if you squint, But English is not my native language, Character Death, Happy Ending, M/M, My First Fanfic, Not Really Character Death, Reread and edited 2019, Seireitei, Slow Romance, soul society - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2006-08-11
Updated: 2007-02-15
Packaged: 2019-10-14 17:18:33
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 16
Words: 23,080
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17512706
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SmallGiantsKing910/pseuds/SmallGiantsKing910
Summary: Takes places during the manga arc when Ishida is missing. Ichigo is worried and searches for him. However, nothing will go as he planned.





	1. You won’t hide anymore?

**Author's Note:**

> Just uploading here old (very old) fanfics. Still receiving comments and likes on other websites 13 years later motivated me to archive it all in a single place I actually still use actively.

_Today, I will save a shinigami. Sensei, will you forgive me?_  
  
It seems I said this so long ago… But barely three months had passed since I saved you, and myself. It was the second time I did something only to save myself. Sensei, I’m sorry… I know I could have helped you, maybe only a little, but surely you’d have survived a bit longer…  
  
And then I had to save this shinigami… What would I become without him around was the first thing I thought when I saw he was in danger. Not his well-being first, but mine… Me…  
  
My pride saved you, but now is it going to kill me? I can barely protect myself now that I have lost my powers because of it. And now I’m here, sitting on this rock, listening to the sound of the water falling, like when I was training with Sensei. But all I can think about is you. I wasn’t able to do anything else since I first saw you entering the classroom, your insane reiatsu surrounding me.  
  
Of course, you didn’t even look at me. I was really drawn by your spiritual energy, but you didn’t seem to notice mine. It appeared I wasn’t the only one drawn to you, as all of your friends were those who seemed to have a spiritual ability sleeping inside them. I couldn’t help but feel a little jealous. I was more powerful than all of you, but you didn’t even give me a single look.  
  
Finally, I decided to challenge you to prove you that I was superior to all of you, who rejected me. Inoue-san was the only one who was friendly with me, but she was not the one I wanted a little attention from. I won’t say I don’t like her, because she’s really kind to me; she has a really big heart, and you, idiot that you are, don’t even realise that she has only eyes for you.  
  
At first, I didn’t really understand how she could be so in love with you when you weren’t that friendly with her.  
  
But then, one day, you smiled. Why is it that when I saw you smiling, I wasn’t able to think anymore?  
  
Then I remembered it… You reminded me of Sensei. When he smiled, all I could think of was that I was happy, and forgot all my fears. I couldn’t refuse anything to him when he smiled, I couldn’t be angry anymore.  
  
But yours was not for me. This smile was for Kuchiki. Yes, I know, she saved your life, and changed it, but didn’t I save your life too? Shouldn’t I deserve a little more than a scowl?  
  
And why do I want more than a scowl from you? I know I’m drawn to you because of your reiatsu, but why am I jealous of Kuchiki? Why do I want your full attention? I don’t even know myself… And I’ll never know. I’ll stay there, away from you, I won’t be a burden anymore, and then maybe a Hollow will eat me, or will make me become a Hollow as well, and then I’ll be able to see you one last time when you’ll kill me.  
  
  
I can even sense your spirit from here. You must be training really hard. Whereas I sound like I’m giving up… But what should I do? Sensei…  
  
“What are you muttering about there, all alone?” Jumping to my feet, heart beating fast, I see him, standing at the edge of the trees, hands in his pockets, frowning at me with an odd look in his eyes.  
  
I didn’t even sense you were approaching. I knew it wasn’t good to be lost in thought. You’re very annoying, you know.  
  
As he comes closer, I straighten my glasses to hide any emotions that could be seen in my eyes.  
  
“Kurosaki,” I say, trying to sound casual. “What are you doing here? Aren’t you training to prepare for the fight against Aizen and his subordinates?”  
  
There it is. The scowl is back. My heart calms down a little.  
  
“Tch... I can’t concentrate long enough. They sent me away to calm me down. Why didn’t you come back to school? Everyone wonders what’s been happening, and Inoue’s really worried, you know how she is.”  
  
“That’s not your problem, Kurosaki. I have some things to sort out alone. Moreover, I don’t think _you_ were worried about me, so I don’t see what you’re doing here, disturbing my training.”  
  
“Training?” he repeats, eyebrows rising in disbelief. “Yeah… Of course… Sitting on rock, muttering to yourself...”  
  
“What are you trying to say Kurosaki?” Now I’m really losing my calm. I know he saw it, so I adjust my glasses another time.  
  
“Don’t play idiot with me, Ishida,” he answers. “You don’t think I’m that stupid, do you?”  
  
I fear that I know what he’s talking about, but I don’t want to talk about it, and surely not with him. I don’t know what to do…  
  
“Of course not,” I say, turning to walk closer to the fall.  
  
“Ishida –” he begins, catching my wrist. And I sense it again. His reiatsu, surrounding me from the touch, is making my heart beat faster again. I quiver, feeling something tugging at my stomach. I hope he doesn’t sense the pulse in my wrist. “Ishida,” he repeats. “I know.” My eyes widen as I turn around to look at him. “I know about your powers.” No… Not him… “I’m sorry.”  
  
“You’re sorry about what?” Now I’m really angry at him. I can’t do anything else… All I can do is be angry when he talks to me… I don’t ever want to, but it always comes out with this defensive tone…  
  
He frowns, surprised at my outburst. “I’m sorry because it’s my fault; you came in Soul Society because I –”.  
  
“No I didn’t.” I cut him off. “I went there to prove to _you_ I was worthy.” Of course I went there to help them, I really wanted to save Kuchiki; without her around I feared I wouldn’t be able to see another smile from him. Yes, that’s really selfish, isn’t it? And I can’t tell him this reason; I don’t even know what it means.  
  
“I never said you weren’t,” he said, still clenching my wrist.  
  
“No, you never said it, but why is it that you didn’t even know my existence before I challenged you?” I ask, snatching my arm away. “Yeah, I know, you’re pretty bad at sensing spiritual energy,” I add, seeing him opening his mouth to answer angrily. “All of your friends have spiritual powers and you didn’t even realise it. I saw it from the first time you entered the class.”  
  
“I don’t see the problem. You’re my friend too!”  
  
“I don’t know the problem either! Now leave me alone, would you?” He considers me as a friend? It’s too late, now I’m unworthy.  
  
“No, I won’t. I don’t like to see my friends like that, okay? So now would you please come back to school? If you can’t protect yourself, I’ll do it for you.”  
  
“I don’t need your help. Thanks, Kurosaki. Bye now,” I answer, walking away from him. He grasps my arm again. Another rush of spirit energy. Another quiver. Another tug. “Won’t you ever let me go?”  
  
“Of course not! I told you, now I have to protect you!” he says. I turn around to retort, but what I see makes me forget what I wanted to say.


	2. Protect you?

_“Of course not! I told you, now I have to protect you!” he says. I turn around to retort, but what I see makes me forget what I wanted to say._  
  
Why is he smiling? There is nothing funny, I was being angry over nothing, and he is here, holding my arm, smiling at me, he, of all people who smiles once in a decade!  
  
Why is there still this strange sensation in my stomach? It’s heavier than when I sense his spirit, and I can’t even speak. I can barely think. Maybe Kuchiki felt the same when he smiled, and when Kurosaki discovered it, he decided to try it on others; maybe he wants to make fun of me. Well then, he has succeeded.  
  
“I… Kuro… saki…” I begin. What an idiot I am, really. This is so stupid.  
  
“Yeah? What’s goin' on?” The smiling face is replaced by a worried one. Maybe he was expecting some shouting, as I usually do, so when no answer comes out, he seems more worried. “Ishida?” he whispers, catching my other arm and squeezing them tightly.  
  
Then I sense what’s troubling him, streaming over my left cheek. A tear?  
  
Taken aback, I weakly try to back out of his hold, but he struggles too, and I lose my balance, finding myself on my knees, not able to fight back any more tears.  
  
“Sensei…” I whisper, eyes unfocused.  
  
“Ishida?” he repeats, not knowing what to do. “Why the hell are you crying?”  
  
“Sensei… I can’t – I… want my powers back,” I manage to say between two sobs, more speaking to myself than answering. How ridiculous and weak he must find me. Why is it that he above all people can see me like that? Why can’t I act normally when he’s around? He made me feel so weak just now... Those brown eyes always seems to be reading me like an open book; he makes me unable to lie to him, like Sensei used to.  
  
I hate you, Kurosaki Ichigo, for making me feel so weak, even more now that I don’t have my powers anymore. Damn that Kurotsuchi. I hate shinigamis.  
  
“Oi, Ishida! Stop that, would you?” he shouts, shaking me. “What the fuck is going on in your head? The Ishida I know doesn’t give up that easily.”  
  
“Kurosaki…” I say, looking at him.  
  
“Of course you’ll have your powers back. I don’t know how, but I’ll help you, ok? And if you don’t want my help, then let me just protect you until then, ok?”  
  
“I –”  
  
“No,” he cuts me off, “I don’t need you to agree. That's how it's going to be, like it or not.” He catches one of my tears with his thumb. “And I don’t want to see that anymore, ok? I prefer when you’re shouting at me, I prefer when we fight each other, I prefer when we fight together,” he adds, his eyes more serious than I’ve ever seen, piercing through me once again. I’m so captivated by those words that a long time passes by until I finally hear my heart beating really fast.  
  
And I can’t do anything else other than stare at those fierce brown eyes, his words echoing in my mind, more tears forming in my eyes. One more thing to add to the list: Why do you always say what I really want to hear?  
  
First, you say that I’m your friend, then that you’ll help me get my powers back, even if I know it’s impossible; Sensei warned me, but I disobeyed. I really don’t deserve your help at all. I don’t deserve your attention anymore. I don’t deserve you. I don’t deserve to live.  
  
With this last thought, I sense myself falling. I feel weaker than ever. I don’t even have the strength to open my eyes again, but I sense that my head is resting on him.  
  
The last thing I felt before fainting is that I’m being lifted by two powerful arms and that I wanted to stay like that forever.  
  
  
***************************************************  
  
  
Rain drops falling on me. That must be what woke me up.  
  
Terrible headache. Too much noise. What happened? A waterfall, a kind of promise, tears, orange hair, brown eyes…  
  
“Kurosaki!”  
  
I quickly open my eyes. I’m lying down on a street. I manage to lift myself up a little, my back resting against a wall. Where am I? Where is _he_? It wasn’t a dream, was it? Then, what am I doing here if it was a dream? I’m sleepwalking now?  
  
But then I see him, not that far away, in his Shinigami outfit, holding his Zanpakutou in front of a huge Hollow.  
  
I try to lift myself up to go and help him, but then he seems to sense I was awake, for he shouts without looking at me.  
  
“NO! Don’t move. I told you. I’ll protect you, even if it costs me my life.”  
  
I can see that his face is determined, as he always is when he takes a fight seriously.  
  
He charges; the Hollow dodges. One more sway and he reaches it from behind. Hollow blood spurts, staining the rain. The cry of the Hollow is piercing through my eardrums. The battle continues, and I can’t do anything to help him. I try to move, but my head really hurts, and I feel like I’m going to faint again.  
  
No, don’t, idiot. He’s fighting, and you’re there, sitting quietly. The least you can do is stay awake and watch him fight, even if you have to slap yourself.  
  
That’s what I do. And I watch their quick moves, the rain falling painfully on me, their sounds keeping me from fainting again.  
  
  
***************************************************  
  
  
The rain is still falling, more intensely.  
  
I fainted again? Am I really that powerless?  
  
The raindrops seem heavier this time. I open my eyes, hoping to see only Ichigo next to me, resting a little to recover from the fight.  
  
A white mask is all I can see. And all I can hear is this awful laugh, a high-pitched Hollow laugh. It gives me the creeps. The Hollow is right in front me, bending, his blood dripping onto me.  
  
“Kurosaki,” I call, only succeeding in whispering his name once more. Where is he? Don’t tell me this…thing…No! It can’t be! Not Kurosaki. He can’t be defeated by a simple Hollow…  
  
I reach into my inner-pockets, searching for the spirit caps I made for emergencies like these. I finally find one when the Hollow starts moving his left arm towards me. I prepare myself to throw the cap when its left arm suddenly falls out, more blood spurting everywhere. I see Kurosaki, right behind the monster, his bloodied Zanpakutou tossed over his shoulder.  
  
I don’t know how the Hollow can still be alive; just by looking at Kurosaki’s eyes, I want to sink into the earth like a guilty dog frightened by his master.  
  
He says something, but I can’t hear what it is as the Hollow screams and makes a quick move to turn over and face his opponent. I sense his claws sinking in my flesh, ripping my chest and stomach in the movement.  
  
I can’t hold back a loud cry of pain.  
  
Behind my wet eyes, I can see the fight still going on, but I begin to find it really hard to breathe now.  
  
Am I going to die like this?  
  
A ripping sound, a loud shout, a thud…  
  
“Kuro… saki?”  
  
I can feel warmth surrounding me. Is it like that when one dies? Then it’s a good thing—I don’t feel the pain anymore.  
  
“Ishida…” I hear him say, his voice betraying his worries. “No, don’t move,” he adds, holding me as I try to rub my eyes. I can’t see very well, I can sort out his shape, but I can’t see him clearly. It’s all blurry.  
  
As he wraps something around my wounds, I sense more warmth. I finally understand that it was not death, but him. His reiatsu is flowing over and through me in a comforting way, warming me and even easing the pain. I smile a little.  
  
He seems to take it as a sign of some eminent death, for he slaps me gently. “Ishida! Oi! If you see a black tunnel, don’t move! Don’t go into the light!”  
  
This only has the effect to make me really smile.  
  
“You’re really…idiot,” I manage to whisper.  
  
He seems to be relieved at my words, for he too tries a smile.  
  
  
“I… I’ll take you to Urahara, he’ll heal you. Don’t worry.”  
  
To have him smiling as probably the last image I’ll see makes me forget everything else.  
  
“I don’t,” I say, confident. I reach for his face with my hand. “You…me… better… smile…” are the only words that come out through my halting breathing. “Thank… you… –saki…”  
  
A smile… Worried eyes… And then nothing… Everything goes black, I don’t have the strength to open my eyes anymore.  
  
A shout… The feeling of strong arms… Strong reiatsu... Then the sensation of flying up through the rain…  
  
“Ishida? ISHIDAAAAAA!”


	3. Rainy days, death days?

_“Ishida? ISHIDAAAAAA!”_  
  
There he is, lying motionless in my arms. I’m really afraid of what happened, for I can feel that his body is cold. No… He just fainted. That’s all. To Urahara now, quickly…  
  
As I lift him up from the ground to carry him to that freaky shop, I can feel he is a little bit heavier than just before, but that doesn’t mean anything. Yeah, that creepy guy can heal him, with all his weird things, I know he can.  
  
So I run, faster and faster. Hold on, Ishida, please. Who will I keep fighting with if you’re not around? But… above all… what will become of my promise? I won’t be able to promise anything else to anyone if I wasn’t even able to protect you.  
  
I can’t see anything, everything is blurred, water is dripping down my face… Yeah, that’s only rain… Only rain…  
  
“URAHARA!” I shout as I finally arrive in front of his shop.  
  
He opens the door. “My, my, Kurosaki,” he chirps in his usual irritating voice, his mouth covered behind his fan. “How come –” he stops himself as I see his eyes trailing down, and even under his striped hat I can see them widening. “Ishida?” he finally says. “Come in, quick. What happened?” he asks, closing the door behind me. His face is so serious that it even frightens me.  
  
As he leads me to the room where I remembered he healed me after Byakuya’s attacks, I don’t even bother answering properly. “I’ll tell you the whole thing later—we fought a Hollow. Well, I fought against it, but he got injured anyway. I... You can heal him, right?” I finally ask while carefully lying Ishida on the futon. It’s then that I realise that I’m completely covered in his blood, and the first thing I think is that it doesn't bode well at all for him… Did he really lose all that blood? “Urahara?” I call out as no answer came. Still nothing. He is looking at me, and then at Ishida, examining his wound, then at me again.  
  
“Tessai,” he finally says, still looking at me.  
  
“Master Urahara,” answers the tenor voice, the big man suddenly entering the room on his knees, as if all he was waiting for was to be called.  
  
“Bring Kurosaki’s body back here.”  
  
“Yes, sir.”  
  
With that, he leaves the room as fast as he entered it, Urahara still looking intensely at me. I can’t help but finally lower my gaze to Ishida. I can’t stand that silence.  
  
“Urahara, answer my question! Please!” I eventually say, losing my temper. The tension is driving me crazy.  
  
“I’m sorry, Kurosaki, but you know the answer. Why else would you have been crying?”  
  
“No… It can’t be… He can’t be!” I find myself shouting at him.  
  
“But one thing you should know is that his soul wasn’t eaten by the Hollow, so he’s resting in peace now; be sure of that, Kurosaki,” he adds, ignoring me, a mysterious something shining in his half-hidden eyes.  
  
“He’s resting in peace…” I repeat in a whisper. I can’t do anything else but stare at Ishida, I can’t even move. Why is it hurting like hell?  
  
I can’t stand it anymore. I suddenly stand up and run out of the shop, not even noticing Mr Tessai coming back with my body over his shoulder. I think he called after me, but I don’t care, all I can do is run, the rain still blurring my view and running down my cheeks, until I realise that it’s not raining anymore.  
  
Why? Why am I crying like some child? Why is my stomach turning into porridge? He was just a friend, I only knew him for, what, half a year? But still… I liked him… I liked fighting against him over nothing; I liked fighting with him, back to back. But now… is it all over?  
  
I realise that my feet dragged me unconsciously to that riverbank.  
  
“Mom…” I whisper, stopping and falling to my knees. “Ishida…” Is everyone around me going to die like that?  
  
_“His soul wasn’t eaten by the Hollow.”_  
  
No. He at least didn’t disappear completely.  
  
But why on earth were you smiling, you moron? You knew you were dying, but still, you smiled. I even think it was the first time I saw you smiling.  
  
_“You… me… better… smile…”_

What were you trying to say?  
  
I touch my cheek where he touched me while saying that. I can still feel his cold fingers. Why did my heart jump from this smile and this touch?  
  
I’m tired… I can’t move…  
  
  
***************************************************  
  
  
What am I doing here? I fell asleep?  
  
Ouch… it hurts… That wasn’t comfortable.  
  
Looking at the river, I realise that it all wasn’t a dream. I’m still in my Shinigami’s outfit, stained with blood. Ishida’s blood.  
  
“Ishida…” I whisper.  
  
The rain is falling again. Even harder this time.  
  
_**You can stop the rain from falling, Ichigo.**_  
  
I know this voice.  
  
Old man?  
  
_**Stop blinding yourself, Ichigo.**_  
  
I must be dreaming… Looking around, I can’t see the old man. He never talked to me without materialising himself.  
  
  
***************************************************  
  
  
Tch… It really was a dream after all.  
  
I sit up, looking at the river, agitated by the raindrops.  
  
Zangetsu… Old man… Yeah, you told me that one day.  
  
_“When your heart is troubled, it’s raining here. I don’t like rain.”_  
  
Yeah, but I can’t do anything about that kind of rain; I can stop the rain falling in my heart, but not this one.  
  
_“Stop blinding yourself, Ichigo.”_  
  
What were you trying to say?  
  
I can’t even think properly, all that comes to my mind is Ishida…  
  
This makes me smile a little. “Even dead, you’re still annoying.”  
  
I can’t stop one more tear from falling. It’s the last one, I swear. I won’t cry anymore. I’ll fight, now. This won’t happen anymore. I’ll protect everyone, with all my strength, with all my soul.  
  
This reminds me of the first time you challenged me. Yeah… I know I’m stupid, for I hadn’t even noticed you before that. Well, what you did that time was stupid too! Calling a Menos Grande! What would you have done if I wasn’t there? But… you saved my life there. And… now that I think about it… I never… I never thanked you…  
  
“FUCK,” I shout, grabbing Zangetsu. I… I need to slice some Hollow.  
  
_“He’s resting in peace now.”_  
  
I stop dead in my tracks. Urahara… I hate you!  
  
Of course! Why did it not occur to me earlier?  
  
I start running, determined now. Before arriving in front of that damn shop once again, I see the door opening.  
  
I stop in front of Sandal-Hat, pointing Zangetsu towards him. If he refuses, I’ll fight him, I won’t give up.  
  
“Finally, you came back! I was waiting for you, Kurosaki,” he says, his grin widening.  
  
“Open the doors,” I answer, more determined than ever.


	4. Who am I without you?

_“Ishida? ISHIDAAAAAA!”_  
  
Kuro… saki?   
  
“Wake up!”   
  
Why is he shaking me?   
  
Finally opening my eyes, I see a little boy standing next to me.   
  
“Hello, Uryuu! Come down! Breakfast is ready! Mum and Dad are waiting for you!” he says happily before running away.   
  
“Mum? Dad?” I whisper. Those words… It seems I haven’t said them for a really long time. Who is this little boy? And above all… where am I?   
  
My head is hurting like hell… I try to stand up, one hand on my forehead. I decide to follow his little voice until I arrive in the dining room, where I find him sitting at a round table with a man and a woman.   
  
“Good morning, Uryuy!” the woman says. “I’m Kosumo! This is Hitsugi, my husband, and that little boy who woke you up is Mizuki. Yesterday, we were assigned to be your new family. Welcome!”   
  
“Erm… Hello… I… er… what? Where… where am I?” I’m really confused. My ‘new family’? Why is that?   
  
“Oh! You don’t remember anything?” she asks.   
  
This confuses me further more. “Erm… No… Sorry…” I answer, frowning.   
  
She looks at her husband. “It’s unusual, isn’t it?”   
  
“Yes, it is.” He frowns as well, thinking. “Where do you come from?” he finally asks me.   
  
“From… I… I don’t know…” I answer weakly. I can’t remember anything. What happened to me?   
  
“I see. Yes, it’s rare, but it happens sometimes. Maybe you had some regrets before dying, or your death is linked to a Hollow… A Hollow is –”   
  
“Yes, I know what a Hollow is… But what did you –”   
  
“You know what a Hollow is?” Kosumo cuts me off, wide-eyed.   
  
“Of course! Shouldn’t I?” _A Hollow. Pain. Bright orange hair. A smile. A name._ What are those images? Who is this guy? Who is Kurosaki?   
  
“No, you shouldn’t,” Hitsugi says, pulling me from my reverie. “Living people who see them are quite rare, but those who know what they are are more than rare! Do you… Do you know what it is here?”   
  
“No, I –” I begin. I remember him saying I’m dead. It’s hard to believe, but it would make sense, don’t ask me why. And then it strikes me. “Soul Society?” I try.   
  
“That’s amazing!” Kosumo says. “How do you know that? Everyone here hadn’t even heard of that place before!”   
  
“I… I already came here…” I suddenly remember.   
  
“Stop right there!” Kosumo exclaims. “First, please come and seat with us.”   
  
I hadn’t realised I hadn’t move from the entrance of the dining room since they talked to me.   
  
“ _Who_ are you?” Hitsugi asks as I sit in front of Mizuki.   
  
“I’m… a Quincy,” I try. I know that name.   
  
“Wow!” the three of them exclaimed.

  
“Are you really?” Kosumo asks.   
  
“Erm… Yes… I think.”   
  
“Can you show us?” Mizuki cheered.   
  
“No… I’m sorry… I… I don’t even know what a Quincy is… But I know I’m one.”   
  
“Okay, so that makes sense, I was right,” Hitsugi adds. “Your death is linked to a Hollow, that’s why you lost parts of you memory. But someone might have saved you from it before it ate your soul. Well, in fact, only a Shinigami could have done that.”   
  
That image again: _bright orange hair, and a wonderful smile._ I smile at that, and though I don’t know why, I feel something strange in my stomach. I must be hungry.   
  
“Kurosaki,” I hear myself whispering.   
  
“Who is Kurosaki?” Kosumo asks.   
  
I shake my head, causing the pain to return. “I don’t know,” I say, wincing from the headache.   
  
“Eat, my poor Uryuu, you must be really hungry, since you have a lot of spiritual powers.”   
  
“Thank you, Kosumo. I am indeed. But… I lost my powers…”   
  
“That’s interesting,” Hitsugi says. “Please, tell me what you remember now.”   
  
“So…” I begin, helping myself to some baked beans. “I remember that I’m a Quincy, that I already came here, to Soul Society, with this… orange-haired boy… to save someone. That’s when I lost my powers, I think. Back in our world, I didn’t tell him I lost them. Then I have an image of him smiling. It’s…kind of… warming when I think of it… and then the image of a huge Hollow, but not a Menos Grande, and then pain, and another blurred image of the orange-haired boy smiling, but worried. And a shout. And then that name: Kurosaki Ichigo. I think it’s that orange-haired boy, because when I think ‘Kurosaki’, I sense the same thing in my stomach as when I think of that boy smiling. And… he is a Shinigami.”   
  
“Very interesting,” he repeats, looking briefly at his wife. “That Kurosaki boy must be the one that saved you, as all you remember is linked to him. But… I never saw an orange-haired Shinigami since I’m here. Is he new or something?”   
  
“He’s… a substitute Shinigami,” I answer.  
  
“No! Really? He is _the_ substitute Shinigami? My, you were one of those ryokas that came here not so long ago to save that Kuchiki girl from the Soukyoku?” the man asks, over-excited.   
  
“Erm… Yes, I think it was something like that…”   
  
“You can trust him; he knows everything that happens within the Seireitei,” Kosumo laughed. “He really wanted to be a shinigami, but his spiritual powers aren’t developed enough.”   
  
“Hmph…” Hitsugi scowled.   
  
Seireitei… When she said that word, I had a vision. _A big door? Guarded by a big Shinigami, defeated by Kurosaki._ Little by little, I can remember some things… But he’s right; everything I remember is related to this guy, and to that not-so-unpleasant pain in my chest.   
  
“The West Gate,” I whisper.   
  
“What did you say?” Hitsugi asks.   
  
“I just remembered. The West Gate! Where is it? Is it far from here?”   
  
“No! You’re really lucky, you know? It’s the closest door.”   
  
“Thank you very much for everything, Hitsugi, Kosumo, Mizuki,” I say as I suddenly stand up, ready to leave. “I’ll go there, I’m sure it’ll stir up some other memories.”   
  
“Uryuu, that might not be wise. Most people here tend to gradually forget their past life. Thus, there’s no more regrets, and it’s better like this, for you can start a new life,” Hitsugi says.   
  
I can see he’s really serious, and I can sense some melancholy, but… I can’t leave my life behind yet.   
  
“I’m sorry, Hitsugi… I know… But… I can’t give up yet. I’m sure you can understand, even though I don’t. Still, what I understand is that I shouldn’t leave it like this.”  
  
As I start heading out of the house, I hear Kosumo calling out for me.   
  
“Uryuu, wait!”  
  
Turning around, I see her catching up with a package.  
  
“Take this lunch with you, please! You might be hungry on your way. And… I understood that you don’t know when you’ll be back,” she adds with a small smile.  
  
“Kosumo, thank you very much,” I say, gladly taking the meal. Leaving, I have that kind of sensation that tells me that I never felt like this before; nobody ever took care of me like that; like… a mother.   
  
Smiling, I continue my way to who-knows-where, realising that I left without asking which way the gate was.   
  
Finally, after asking the way a dozen times, I arrive in front of the huge door. And there’s no guardian to be seen. Maybe he sensed that I’m not threatening to enter. But I have more flashes. That amazing fight, Kurosaki against… _Jidanbou_! One more name coming back! Kurosaki had really been astonishing; I remember being worried at first, when we couldn’t see the fight. But then, I was captivated by the speed of Kurosaki’s movements.   
  
I smile as I touch my head where a lost stone unluckily hit me during the fight.   
  
Wait a minute. Did I say we? Who were the others?  
  
Two people of our age, and a talking cat. I can’t remember anything else yet. I’m sure it’ll come back later. I hope…   
  
  
**************************************   
  
  
At sunset, outside the Koganehara’s house.   
  
“Mizuki!”   
  
“Yes, dad?”   
  
“Have you found Uryuu?” Hitsugi asks to his son.   
  
“Yes! He’s on the roof of the tower, over there, looking towards Seireitei.” Mizuki answers, pointing towards the only tower visible on the left.   
  
“What a silly boy! He won’t be able to see behind the wall, even at that height,” the man sighed.


	5. Will I find you?

_“Open the doors,” I answer, more determined than ever._   
  
Here I am again…   
  
I never thought I’d come here once more.   
  
Seireitei. How hard it was, last time, to come here… But now that I am officially a substitute shinigami, Urahara has been able to ask for them to open the official Senkaimon to Seireitei. It took more time than I thought, though… He managed to contact Mr Yamamoto, but the man didn’t seem to think my reason was worth opening the doors for. Old prick. By chance, Byakuya was in the old man’s office too. He, at least, succeeded in reasoning with the man. I’ll have to thank him later.   
  
For now though, I have to find my way…   
  
Where am I? All those streets are the same! Maybe I should go down the drain, I may find my way there… But I don’t even know where to enter the drain.   
  
What’s that? I can sense a familiar reiatsu. That powerful reiatsu…

  
Bells? Shit, no! Kenpachi!  
  
“Ichigo! It’s been a while. I couldn’t believe it when I sensed your little reiatsu entering here!” he said, laughing. “You’re lucky, I was bored. What would you think of a little fight? I want my revenge!”   
  
A little head appears behind his back. “Ah! Ichi! Hello!”   
  
This guy is mad! I really don’t like the way his eyes glimmer. I think I’d better run away.   
  
As I back off without a word, he exclaims, “Where do you think you’re going?”   
  
I start running down the streets, hoping that it will finally lead me to somewhere familiar.   
  
“Ichi! Don’t run away! Ken is happy to play with you!” I hear that weird little girl say as they chase me.   
  
Wishing to stop them, I shout, “Stop chasing me, bastard! I have things to do; I don’t want to fight right now!”   
  
“In your dreams, Ichigo! I won’t let you run away once more without taking my revenge, you fucking coward! Last time, you ran away too!”   
  
Fuck… Knowing this guy, I'm sure that nothing will make him change his mind. I’m doomed. But I don’t want to fight.   
  
  
I finally arrive in front of those stairs, where Renji appeared last time. I know that up those stairs, there might be a lot of people, so I turn left. I don’t want to cause trouble, since the old man warned me. I don’t want to turn him against me; he already doesn’t like me much as it is.  
  
I really don’t know where I’m going, and this bastard won’t let me go.

  
That's when I see someone in front of me, walking in my direction. And I’m sure I know this shape too…   
  
As I run closer, I finally recognize him.   
  
Renji! Damn it! I don’t want to have two idiots chasing me.   
  
I stop dead as I see him smiling.   
  
“Ichigo! So it’s true, then! You asked to come here. Oh, and I see I’m not the firs’ ya met!” he says, his smile widening as he sees Kenpachi behind me.   
  
“Leave him to me, Renji, I want my revenge!” Kenpachi warns him.   
  
“You forget that I want my revenge as well! Now I’m far more powerful than last time,” Renji answers, grinning.   
  
This smells like crap… I can’t avoid this one… Damn.   
  
Reaching behind my back to take hold of Zangetsu, I turn around to face Kenpachi who is already charging. I brace myself to stop him when Renji shunpos right between us, stopping Kenpachi, their swords clashing.   
  
“Leave him, he’s for me, ya understand?”   
  
I have never seen Renji that serious. It sounds really bad. It might actually be better to fight Kenpachi than him…  
  
They share some words I can’t hear, and Kenpachi lowers his sword.   
  
“Tch. If you want him that bad… You’re lucky, Ichigo, but that won’t last. I’ll have my revenge,” he growls.   
  
“Bye, Ichi!” Yachiru says, waving at me. As they turn away, I hear her high-pitched voice ask, “You’re sad, Ken?”   
  
I can’t hear Kenpachi’s answer as Renji finally looks back at me. By his look, I ready myself for what is sure to come. But instead of releasing Zabimaru, he sheathes it. I look at him, wide-eyed.   
  
“You should thank me, Ichigo. _You_ wouldn't have gotten rid of that guy that easily!”   
  
“Er…Thanks?” I hesite, not understanding what all that was about.   
  
“You moron!” he says, his right hand falling heavily on my shoulder. “Don’t worry, I don’ wanna fight either! I said that to stop him, that’s all!”   
  
“Oh! Thank you.”   
  
“Sure thing,” he says. “Captain Kuchiki explained everythin’ to me.”   
  
He starts walking and I follow him, not knowing what else to do.   
  
“So, that Quincy boy got killed by a Hollow?” he asks.   
  
I look at him, not wanting to answer, but he doesn’t have his usual mocking tone, and he seems to understand.   
  
“Yeah…” I finally answer, lowering my head. “And it was all my fault. He lost his powers here, so I promised him that I’ll protect him on my life. I failed, Renji…”  
  
“I’m sorry,” he says. He seems to be thinking as we continue walking in silence. “But,” he adds, “what d’ya wanna do here? Don’t tell me ya wanna take him back? That’s forbidden!”   
  
“I… I don’t know. I just want to see him. I’m going mad and I don’t know why! It's far worse than when I heard that Rukia was gonna be executed. You have to help me, Renji, please!”   
  
He seems astonished. “’Kay, but what d’ya want me to do?”   
  
“I don’t– …The West Gate!” This idea suddenly struck me. “Can you lead me to the West Gate?” I ask him.   
  
“Sure! You’re lucky it’s on the way! Oh, I see. That’s where y’all arrived last time, isn’t it?”   
  
I nod, but that doesn’t seem to please him.   
  
“I mus’ warn ya,” he adds. “Souls are sent randomly; there are few chances that he would be near this one. And… you mus’ know that souls forget their past life little by little, see? So that they won’t have regrets and they can start a new life.”   
  
Night is falling, and I feel like my hopes are falling with it. Finally, we arrive in front of the huge door.   
  
“Thanks, Renji. But I have to try,” I say, as Renji did something to open the door. “Oh, by the way, would you please thank Byakuya for me?”   
  
“Like hell I will! I helped you there, I’m not gonna be your messenger too!” he groans.   
  
“But I thought you and Byakuya were on good terms now?” I tease him. I'm fairly sure he’ll give in. He’s not as nasty as he wants to show, I know it.   
  
He turns his head, looking away. “Well, yeah… We’re goin’ on well…” I never thought that would make him feel that awkward. “But that’s not the point!” he adds, looking at me again. “Anyway, now I’m sure you’ll come ‘round here quite often, so ya’ll be able to thank him properly,” he adds, grinning in that mocking way again.   
  
“Tch… Lazy bastard.”   
  
With that, I step out of Seireitei.   
  
“See ya, Ichigo!” I hear him say.   
  
“Yeah, yeah, bye,” I answer, lifting my arm without even looking back. I finally hear the door falling back heavily onto the floor, and start looking around me as though he may be there, waiting.   
  
More of my remaining hopes are flying away as I can’t see anybody. It’s gonna be a long night. I sigh, feeling tired, but I can’t afford resting if what that moron said is true. Maybe he has already forgotten me…   
  
Why does it hurt like hell when I imagine this?   
  
“ISHIDAAAA!”   
  
  
****************************************************   
  
  
Renji looked at the closed door for a minute before resuming his walk.   
  
When he finally arrived in front of his office, there was still light inside, so he knocked.   
  
“Come in,” came his captain’s voice. “You’re late, Renji,” he stated without even looking up as his vice-captain entered the room.   
  
“Haha, sorry, captain…” Renji said, rubbing his neck. “I met Ichigo on my way!”   
  
“Oh,” Byakuya said, finally looking up. “Is he… okay?”   
  
Renji frowned at the question. “Yes… I think. He asked me to thank you for helping him,” he added, smiling. “But why are you so concerned?”   
  
“Because… I can understand him.” The older man answered after a moment of hesitation, lowering his head once more to resume his writing.   
  
At this statement, Renji smiled and closed the door behind him.


	6. Will you always hate me?

A loud bang makes me jump.  
  
What is that?  
  
I turn my head to search for the origin of that sound. At this height, it should be easy to find, shouldn't it? Night has fallen, but I manage to see what startled me, near the West Gate. It seems to have opened then closed, for there is a cloud of dust around it. When it eventually disappears, I can make out a familiar shape standing there, head turning left and right as if searching for something, or someone.  
  
Is it possible that…  
  
My heart skips a beat. I quickly jump down from the tower and start heading for the Gate, hoping he’ll stay there a little longer.  
  
“…aaAAA”  
  
He shouts. I don’t understand what he says, but I’m coming closer. I turn left and I come face to face… with a dead end. No… Don’t tell me that I’m lost. Not now! I back away, running again. I turn left, and then left again, until bumping into someone right behind the next corner.  
  
“I… I’m…sorry, I didn’t… see –” I manage to say, bending to regain a normal breathing rate.  
  
“I…shida?”  
  
That voice… My eyes widen as I look up upon hearing my name. There he is, standing in front of me, the orange-haired boy. No sooner had I set eyes on him did everything come back to my mind. Everything since the first time I saw him, and even before. Everything.  
  
“Kurosaki?” I try.  
  
This seems to relieve him, for he grins broadly.

  
“Ishida!” he repeats. I can even see that his eyes are getting wet.

  
I can’t do anything but stare with teary eyes too and smile weakly.  
  
“God, Ishida! Are you okay? Uh, I mean… Yeah, sorry, you’re dead, but…” he stops, looking away and scratching his neck in an embarrassed manner.  
  
I smile, realising that I really missed his awkwardness. “Yeah, I’m okay.”  
  
He looks at me again, still smiling, before throwing himself on me, holding me tightly. I feel that rush of spirit energy again. It seems so familiar now, and not unpleasant at all; it’s comforting, as it was just before I died. It seems so weird to think that I died and can talk about it easily, like some normal thing.  
  
“I’m so relieved! I thought I’d never see you again…”  
  
I frown at that.  
  
“Kurosaki?”  
  
He releases his hold and slowly pulls back. “Yeah?”  
  
“Why did you come here?”  
  
His smile fades and he turns to sit on a nearby rock. He looks exhausted.  
  
“I –” he begins, elbows on his knees, hanging his head with his hands in his hair. “When I understood that you were dead,” he continues, “I was feeling like I was going mad. It was all my fault, like when my mother died. I promised to protect you, and I hadn’t even been able to keep that promise.”  
  
Seeing him like this was terribly awful. I have to do something; it was not his fault.  
  
“It was not your fault, Kurosaki,” I say as I sit next to him, laying my hand on his shoulder. “It’s all mine, for being so weak.”  
  
He looks up at me, shaking his head with a sad smile.

  
“And then… After that night… I couldn’t stay like this… I had to do something, and Urahara made me realise that you had come here, so we asked for them to open the Senkaimon.”  
  
“And they actually agreed?” I ask in disbelief.  
  
He smiles. “Of course not! The old prick seemed to think it wasn’t a good enough reason. But Byakuya was there and he reasoned him.”  
  
I stare at him wide-eyed, unsure about what to say. He looks down again.  
  
“I… I really wanted to see you again.”  
  
This makes my stomach turn upside-down as my eyes widen even more.  
  
“Oh, by the way,” he continues, looking up at me again. “What was it you wanted to say, just before you…?”  
  
He seems unable to finish the sentence, but as he slowly touches his cheek, I remember the scene. I fear I know what he’s talking about. I turn my head, looking away as I sense my cheeks warming.  
  
“It was… nothing really important…” I answer, adjusting my glasses.  
  
“Come –”  
  
**BANG!**  
“Ouch…”  
  
We both jump, looking from the house in front of us to the one near Kurosaki, large clouds of dust choking us.  
  
“What was that? Didn’t you hear someone?” he asks, taking his zanpakutou.  
  
“I don’t –” I begin, stopping as I see someone pulling him by the front of his outfit.  
  
“Damn Shinigamis,” the stranger growls. “I warned you, you’re not welcome if –”  
  
He stops as the clouds fully dissipate.  
  
“Ichigo?”  
  
“What the… Ganju?”  
  
“Ichigo! I’m sorry! I heard the door opening and saw a shinigami coming here, so, you know, I must warn him!” he says, releasing Kurosaki. “Damn, what are you doing here, man?”  
  
“It’s none of your business,” Ichigo answers, putting his zanpakutou on his back again.  
  
“Hey, it is! You’re on my –” He stops as he finally sees me behind Kurosaki. “Ishida?”  
  
“Ganju,” I greet him casually, pushing my glasses up my nose.  
  
“You… You can’t be! You’re… dead?” he slowly asks. My eyes widen, but as I was about to answer, Kurosaki grabs him by the collar and pins him violently against the house behind him.  
  
“What the fuck did you just say?” he barked.  
  
“Calm yourself down, stupid shinigami. I can sort out the souls from the humans. His soul doesn’t smell the same as last time; now, he’s more like me… You may fool yourself, but not me.”  
  
As Kurosaki doesn’t seem to want to let go of him, I slowly reach for his arm, hoping to calm him down.  
  
“Stop that, Kurosaki, it’s okay,” I reassure him softly.  
  
“Bastard,” he finally says before loosening his grip. I can see that Ganju is as surprised at this sudden outburst as I am.  
  
Kurosaki was walking away when Ganju finally decides to call his “Bonnie”, saying that he has nothing more to do here. I slowly catch up withthe shinigami.  
  
“Kurosaki?” I try, unable to bear the silence anymore.  
  
“I’m sorry… I hadn’t meant to… I couldn’t bear it when he asked if you were really dead.”  
  
“It’s okay, you know. Actually, it’s not that hard. In some way, I’m still alive. Well, of course, I won’t be able to go to school anymore, I won’t be able to eat with you all on the roof, I won’t be able to see Sado or Inoue, I won’t see–” I stop dead as all this suddenly makes sense to me. A tear starts rolling down my cheek.  
  
Kurosaki stops too, looking back at me.  
  
“God, no, Ishida, stop that, please! I already told you I don’t want to see you crying, okay?”  
  
“I’m sorry, Kurosaki.”  
  
“Get a hold of yourself, Ishida!”  
  
“I… Why is it so hard, Kurosaki? I never thought I’d regret my life. But since I met you all, I felt…better. Now, though, I regret having friends.”  
  
“You hate me that much, don’t you?” he asks with a sad smile.  
  
“I never… really…” I nearly admit. But now, come to think of it, Hitsugi did warn me. Wouldn’t it be better if I get everyone out of my life now, before it’s too late? I can’t return to my past life, I have to move on. I blink to fight back tears and I continue, adjusting my glasses but not able to look at him, “Yes… I hate you, Kurosaki.”  
  
With that, I run away, not able to hold back tears anymore, and I manage to find my way back ‘home’ without realizing it.  
  
I run up in my room, not answering the greetings.  
  
“I’m sorry, Kurosaki,” I whisper, collapsing against my door. “Thank you.”


	7. Was it a dream?

What was that dream about Kurosaki?  
  
I sense my cheeks warming. Why did he… kiss me?   
  
I sit up to recover a little from that weird dream, but then I hear a sound on my right, near the window. So I turn my head, only to see…   
  
“Kurosaki?” I call out with wide eyes. Was it… Wasn’t it all a dream? Did he really…?  
  
No way!   
  
He was about to jump from the window, but stops dead as he hears me. He hesitates a moment before turning to look at me, but as he seems too taken aback to answer me, I continue.   
  
“What are you doing here? How… how did you find me?”   
  
He finally walks away from the window and sits on the desk, looking at the floor.   
  
“I ran into your little brother and he–” he slowly answers.   
  
“What? _My_ brother?” He turns to look at me. “Oh. Right. Mizuki,” I add, looking away.  
  
“Yeah, him!” he says, and I can even hear a point of amusement in his voice. I shoot him a glance and was about to adjust my glasses when I realise that they’re not there anymore. I don’t remember taking them off. However… I remember the dream; him taking them off before…   
  
I quickly look away again, snatching my glasses up from the bedside table. I put them on as quickly as I can to hide the blush from my face.   
  
“What the hell is going on with you?” he asks, annoyed, but worried a little too. “First you tell me that you hate me before running away in tears, and now you act all weird, as if… you...” he stops, hesitating.   
  
As he gasps, I look up at him. His mouth is open but he doesn’t seem to know what to say.   
  
“Ishida?” he finally says. “You were asleep, just then, weren’t you?”   
  
“Erm… Yeah. Why?” I answer. What does that mean? It was just a dream, Uryuu, stop thinking too much.   
  
He seems to be a little bit relieved, but as he smiles a little, I can’t help but notice it was a sad little smile.   
  
“You were dreaming about Inoue, huh?” he adds.   
  
I am so relieved that I nearly burst out laughing. I let out the breath I hadn’t realized I was holding, and I can't help but snort a little.   
  
“I… What?”   
  
“I mean, come on, you were mumbling her name just before you woke up!”   
  
“Inoue?” I ask, rising an eyebrow in disbelief. “I’m sorry, Kurosaki, but I wasn’t dreaming about Inoue, nor did I ever dream about her either,” I add, more than serious. Believe me; you don’t want to know what I dreamt about, Kurosaki.   
  
“Come on, Ishida, do you think I’m stupid? She’s good looking, and she has boobs, you’re more than good looking and you have brains, what more can you two ask for?”   
  
“Kurosaki, will you stop that, or I’ll really start thinking you _are_ stupid!” I say, losing my temper. Why is he so stubborn? “I’ve never been interested in Inoue, nor in her… boobs, as you say.”  
  
His words are echoing in my mind. _You’re more than good looking…_ And the images of that kiss… _You’re more than good looking…_  
  
I know he probably said this only to be kind, just to prove that Inoue and I should be together. But my pulse quickened when he said it. Stupid dream!  
  
“Then why were you muttering her name? What were you dreaming about?” he asks more calmly.   
  
“I really doubt I was mumbling her name, and don’t think I’ll tell you, it’s none of your business, Kurosaki. ”There it is; I start the bickering once more. Well, gone as it is, I might as well play his game. “Moreover, I don’t see the point in being interested in someone who is so in love with you.”   
  
He looks at me. “What? I… Inoue?”   
  
Seeing his expression, I can’t help smirking. “Yes, Kurosaki, you’re that dense. I knew you never realized it, even though everyone can see she has only eyes for you.”   
  
“I… No… She…”   
  
“So,” I cut him, sparing him to feel more stupid. “How are things going with Kuchiki?”

  
“Rukia? What are you talking about?”   
  
“Isn’t it obvious? You love her, don’t you?” I add, raising an eyebrow and ignoring the tingling in my stomach.   
  
“Of course I love her, she’s my friend! But that’s all! I never thought of her like that. Hell, Ishida, I’m not a masochist! Plus, I’m sure she’s older than my grandmother!”   
  
Good points there, Kurosaki. I smile, laughing silently. He’s laughing as well. I’m going to miss these moments, we bicker, but at the end, it’s always easier to talk with him. But if I don’t give up now, I’ll never be able to live a new life.

This reminds me that he still hasn’t answered my question.   
  
“Why are you here, Kurosaki?” I suddenly ask seriously.   
  
He stops laughing. I know he understands the double meaning, so I wait until he finally answers, looking at the floor.   
  
“I already told you. I don’t know. I was… I just… wanted to see you again. I couldn’t bear the fact that you died like that.”   
  
I can’t answer anything to that. My stomach aches again. And then he looks at me again, pained and angry.   
  
“I promised! I promised and I wasn’t even able to protect you! I shouldn’t be a Shinigami.”   
  
“You can’t save everyone, Kurosaki. Nothing is your fault. Save your strength for worthier people, innocent people.”   
  
“You say you aren’t worth it? You’re my friend too, don’t forget that! I can’t leave it at that!”   
  
“But you can’t do anything now, Kurosaki, it’s too late. Now, I’m… I live here now.” He shakes his head as I speak, but I ignore him. “And we’ll have to deal with it. I must forget everything.”   
  
“No! Don’t even dare!” he answers furiously, standing up. “I won’t let you leave me… leave _us_ behind, you hear me? Just wait.”   
  
And with that, he jumps from the window.   
  
I lean back in the bed, one tear falling once more.   
  
“You’re not helping, Kurosaki. You make it harder. Will I ever be able to forget?”


	8. You stopped fooling yourself?

_“Yes… I hate you, Kurosaki.”_  
  
Tch… Your eyes were saying another thing. I saw your tears when you turned to run away. There’s no need to hide behind those glasses.  
  
Why did you do that? Why was I so dumbfounded that it didn’t occur to me to chase you?  
  
  
And now, I’m searching for you. I would ask anyone if they have seen you running, and where you were running to, but it’s like everyone is afraid of me. When I walk in front of their house, I can see them hiding behind the windows, watching me closely.  
  
  
Oh, right… I’m a Shinigami… So that’s it, then. They're like you, they hate me only because I’m a Shinigami.  
  
“Wow, mommy, look at his sword!” I hear one kid say.  
  
I turn my head to smile at the little boy, but then I see his mother pulling him away.  
  
“Stop staring, come on! Get back home quickly.”  
  
I never did anything to anyone. It’s amazing how people can be judgemental sometimes…  
  
So, after walking for at least an hour or two on ‘empty’ roads, I’m starting to feel really annoyed.  
  
I did all that just to have him say he actually really hates me? Dumbass… You won’t get rid of me that easily.  
  
Especially not now that I still don’t know why it hurts so bad to have you saying you hate me; it’s like when you… died. It hurts. A lot.  
  
“FUCK,” I yell, violently hitting a nearby wall. I hear some gasps behind the doors.  
  
Well, now they have an excuse for really fearing me.  
  
  
“Mr. Shinigami? Are you okay?”  
  
I search for who is talking, and it's actually not that difficult, as the only person in this street aside from me is a little boy, a bit older than the previous one.  
  
“Are you searching for something?”  
  
“No… Uh… Yeah!” I hesitate before saying. He doesn’t seem to be afraid of me, and maybe he has actually seen him. “Have you seen … uh… a tall boy, with black hair and glasses, running?”  
  
“Erm…I think so,” he answers after thinking. My heart jumps. “Well, when I went out, Uryuu stormed in, and he was crying a little. Is it Uryuu you’re looking for?”  
  
What the hell? This little boy knows him? “How…” I begin before he cuts me off, his eyes wide.  
  
“OOOOOH! You’re that Shinigami he was talking about?”  
  
“He was… talking about me? But hey, first, who are you?”  
  
“My name is Mizuki, I’m Uryuu’s brother!” Oh yeah, that’s it; it’s his new family. It’s like the little parrot-boy we saved. “And of course, he talked about you. In fact, he talked only about you!” he adds, laughing.  
  
“But… how do you know it’s me, and not another Shinigami?”  
  
“Because he said he remembered a Shinigami with orange hair! And daddy said he never saw you. Oh! Do you want to come home with me? Daddy will be so happy to speak to you!”  
  
“Well… okay,” I answer.  
  
“Thank you!”  
  
Well, if he said Ishida had returned ‘home’, I'm very lucky to have met this little boy. Even if I still don’t understand everything he said. I don’t like that 'remembered'… Maybe his dad will be able to explain everything to me.  
  
  
After a little walk, we finally arrive to what should be their house. He runs in and tells me to follow.  
  
“MOOOOM! DAAAD! I found a Shinigami!” he yells.  
  
“Really?” I hear an excited male voice exclaim.  
  
Seconds after, a head pops out of a room to see if it was true. It brightens when it sees me.  
  
“Wow! Are you Kurosaki Ichigo?” he says, coming towards me.  
  
“Erm… Yeah!?” I answer hesitantly.  
  
“Welcome! Welcome here! I’m Koganehara Hitsugi!” he says, shaking my hand happily. “I finally meet the substitute Shinigami!”  
  
“Excuse me, but… how do you know all that about me?”  
  
“Uryuu told us everything! Well, everything he could remember, that is. Poor boy.”  
  
“What… What happened to him?”  
  
“Come and sit down first,” he says, leading me into the dining room.  
  
  
“What happened to Ishida?” I finally repeat when sitting down.  
  
“That poor boy lost parts of his memory when he died. It happens sometimes, and all he remembered was linked to you.”  
  
“Why is that?”  
  
“Didn’t you save him, from the Hollow who was attacking him or something?”  
  
“Uh… Yeah, sort of.”  
  
“That’s why. You were the last thing he saw. Is he… Is he really a Quincy?” he asks after hesitating.  
  
“Yes. He’s the last one. Well… he was,” I correct. “Where is he?”  
  
“He must be in his room. He came back a little earlier. He left suddenly in the afternoon, just after arriving here, because he remembered something about the West Gate and wanted to see if just by going there, he could remember other things. I think if you hadn’t shown up, he’d have spent the night on the roof of the tower, gazing at Seireitei. You must be really important to him.”  
  
Something tugs at my stomach. “Not anymore… He just told me he hated me, an hour or so ago, before running here.”  
  
“I’m sure he didn’t mean it. You should have heard him when he was talking about how he remembered you! But he’s important to you, isn’t he? Why are you here?” Hitsugi asks, frowning.  
  
“I… I don’t know… I just wanted to see him again… I couldn’t bear the fact that he…died…” I answer, looking away.  
  
  
“Mr Kurosaki?” I hear a little voice behind me say. “I’m Kosumo. Do you want to see Uryuu?” she asks as I turn to look at her. “He is in his bedroom upstairs, but he locked it and doesn’t want to answer me,” she adds after hesitating. “Maybe you will be able to talk to him?”  
  
“Thank you, Kosumo,” I say before thinking, rising from my chair. “Do you mind if I enter by the window?”  
  
She laughs a little at that. “Of course not! If you can cheer up Uryuu, everything is okay,” she says, smiling at her husband.  
  
“Thank you,” I repeat, leaving the house.  
  
  
Once outside, I look up to see only one window open. I jump up to it soundlessly to check that it is his bedroom. At first, I thought he was not here, seeing his bed empty, but then I see him curled up on the floor, near the door.  
  
As I enter the room, he moves onto his back.  
  
“Ishida?” I try. No answer. Only his deep breathing. He really is asleep. “Moron,” I whisper, walking closer to him.  
  
I slowly lift him up in my arms to carefully lay him on his bed. I take his glasses off and place them on the bedside table. He moans in his sleep. I look at him again. He seems so peaceful. Something tugs at my stomach. It’s really annoying… But not really unpleasant… The problem is: Why do I want to kiss him? He looks so good there. I shouldn’t feel that, should I?  
  
But, maybe… He’s asleep, he won’t feel anything; he won’t remember anything. And at the same time, I’ll wake up tomorrow to find out all that was a dream!  
  
I slowly lean closer until I can feel his soft breathing on my cheek. After hesitating one moment, I finally move closer again to feel his lips against mine.  
  
My eyes widen as he hesitantly wraps his arms around my neck. Is he awake? I slowly pull back out of his hold to find him still fast asleep.  
  
“I…o…um,” he mumbles.  
  
I smile, slowly moving away.  
  
“Inoue, huh? Of course…” I whisper, preparing to jump from the window. What was I thinking about? Guys don’t kiss other guys.  
  
“Kurosaki?”


	9. Shouldn’t you stop promising?

_“No! Don’t even dare! I won’t let you leave me… leave us behind, you hear me? Just wait.”_  
  
I have to return to Urahara’s… I’m sure he already has a solution. I can’t stay like that, I can’t leave him here. It hurts too much. I don’t want him to forget me.   
  
  
Shit… How can I return to the Senkaimon now? I must find the West Gate first.  
  
  
As I try to find my way again, I can’t help but think about Ishida. How can he be so stubborn? Why does he want to forget everything?  
  
Yeah, I know, Renji told me that already, it’s better for him to forget everything and start a new life. But still… I can’t help being selfish… I want him back with us. I want to see him laugh, not like he did just now as we talked about Rukia, his small laugh was filled with melancholy. He wants to forget, he wants to act like a tough guy, but he’s hurt too - I can feel it.  
  
And this moron who thought Rukia and I were…  
  
Idiot! Well, maybe it would have been easier. Why did I want to kiss you? Why _did_ I actually kiss you? It must mean something, but… it’s not right. He hates me, doesn't he? But why are things so easy when we talk together, when we bicker, when we fight? _I_ can’t forget everything; _I_ can’t give up on everything that happened since he came into my life. I won’t let you ruin this friendship.  
  
  
Without realising it, I find myself in front of the huge door. Of course, it’s closed.  
  
I slowly reach out to touch it, trying to think of other solutions. But as soon as my hand lays on it, I see it opening slowly.  
  
I rush into Seireitei once more. Now, I must find the Senkaimon. I hope I won’t meet this freaky bastard and his stupid hair bells.  
  
  
I run, trying to remember the path Renji and I took.  
  
Finally, I manage to find it again. The door wasn’t really hidden, in fact, nor was easy to hide anyway. But of course, again, I’m looking at closed doors. As I remember what happened at the West Gate, I try to touch it with my hand. Logically, nothing happens.  
  
“Ya think ya have an authorization for everythin’, don’t ya, substitute Shinigami?”  
  
Startled, I turn around to see Byakuya and Renji behind me. And I hadn’t sensed anything.  
  
“Renji! Byakuya!” I greet with a smile. They’ll be able to help me here.  
  
“It’s Captain Kuchiki for you,” the noble answers coldly.   
  
“I don’t see why I should address you like that; as you all always remind me, I’m not a real Shinigami, after all, so it’s not my hierarchy.”  
  
“Oi, Ichigo!” Renji interferes. “It’s a matter of respect; I don’t see why ya would be allowed to call him by his firs’ name.”  
  
I smirk. “’Cause I beat him, is all.”  
  
Byakuya snorts. “Why are you still here?”  
  
“Because, as you can see, I can’t leave this place.”  
  
This time, Renji smirks. “’Course! Only Captains have the power to open the Senkaimon.”  
  
I turn to look expectantly at Byakuya, but he closes his eyes and shakes his head slightly.  
  
Renji’s smirk widens and my heart falls.  
  
“I have to go back, Byakuya, please! I’m aware that you already helped me come here, and I’m really grateful for that, but please, I have to go!”  
  
“Why? To come back again later and break one of our laws? Souls are meant to remain here.”  
  
“I know… But I’ll find something! I won’t break any law, I swear!” As they’re still looking at me silently, I decide to try one last thing. I bow slightly. “I beg you, Captain Kuchiki…”  
  
Still bowed, I mentally swear as no one moves. When I finally look up, Renji’s smirk is wider than ever, and Byakuya’s face is as impassive as always.  
  
Then he suddenly shunpos right behind me, pinning my arms against my back painfully. “If you break this oath, I’ll personally take care of your trial,” he warns against my left ear.  
  
When he finally releases me, I hear the doors behind us opening.  
  
“Thank you, Byakuya, Renji,” I say, smiling a little. I turn around when Byakuya walks back besides his grinning vice-captain.  
  
“Tch… I take it we have to wait for ya once more, Ichigo!” Renji says.  
  
“Thanks again, really, I owe you loads, I won’t forget it!” I answer, looking back.  
  
“Like we’ll ever let ya forget!”  
  
With that, I step into the blinding white light.  
  
**********************************************************  
  
After running into nothingness, here I am back into the familiarity of my world, and of my town. But… that’s not my district…  
  
Well at least, he sent me to Karakura. I could have landed anywhere on Earth.  
  
Jumping onto one of the higher roofs, I look around to find somewhere I know. I can see the High School, so Urahara's Shop shouldn’t be far away.  
  
Jumping off, I head for our High School. I’ll find my way from there.  
  
  
It’s still night, but the town seems soulless, mournful, as I run through empty streets. It feels worse when I finally arrive into the more familiar ones.  
  
Once I'm back in front of Urahara's Shop, I open the door, stepping inside without even bothering to call for someone. I have other things to think about. As there seems to be no one here, I head straight for the room where I left Ishida.  
  
And he’s still there, motionless, paler than usual, his lips a frightening blue. Normally, I’m sure it would fit his shiny hair, which I had realized can take a slightly blue shade in the sunshine. Now, his hair isn’t shining anymore. It’s lifeless…  
  
It seems so weird. Here, he’s dead, but still, I was talking to him a few hours ago…  
  
And there, right next to him, is my soulless body. Maybe it would be wise to return to it, it hasn’t been alive for some days now, maybe it’s not good.  
  
Sitting down on it, I feel my legs melting into the flesh, so I lean back to return entirely under bones.  
  
Feeling heavier, I finally lift myself up slowly, making some of my bones crack.  
  
Looking back at Ishida, I kneel beside him, absentmindedly running my hand in his messy hair, with this strange sensation in my stomach. Even if I know that I can still talk to him, there’s this pain when I look at him. I know that now, life here won’t be the same. The class will seem empty without him, always volunteering, always answering right, always… perfect in everything…  
  
And above all… How will I tell everyone what happened? It’s all my fault, so I must be the one to explain everything…  
  
No… Maybe I should wait a little… After all, he had disappeared, so I can act as if I haven’t found him yet or something… At least, until we find a solution. I know there’s one…  
  
That's it! I won’t tell anything unless I’m sure there’s no other solution.  
  
“Welcome back, Kurosaki~!”  
  
I jump on my feet, hearing that damn voice behind me.  
  
“Urahara,” I greet him.  
  
“So, why are you back here? I thought we would never see you again!” he chirped.  
  
“Moron. _This_ is my world. I came back because…”  
  
“Because Ishida needed his hair to be combed?” he joked, waving his fan, apparently taking advantage of my hesitation.  
  
I turn to look at Ishida, and I blush a little, seeing his hair perfectly in place once more.  
  
“Shut up,” I mumble. “I wanted to ask you…iIf there was… you know… a possibility of bringing him back here?” I ask, looking at him again.  
  
“My, my, Kurosaki! That would be against Nature!” he chirped once more.  
  
“I know that, damn it!” I answer, losing my temper. “But as if you’d care!”  
  
“ _I_ don’t! But I don’t think _you_ would like to be _banned_ from Soul Society, am I wrong~?” he says, agitating his fan teasingly under my nose.  
  
I can’t stand this place any longer. He’s unbearable.  
  
Angry, I storm out of the shop, not even noticing the ever so rare serious face of Urahara as I pass next to him.  
  
  
Even though I don’t know what time it is exactly, I have no other choice but to head for my house.  
  
Luckily, as I arrive in front of it, I see my window still open. I jump up to it, looking forward to the comfort of my bed.  
  
  
“ICHIGOOOOOOOOO!”  
  
Oh God, not him, not now…  
  
Coming from nowhere, I feel a foot in my back, and seconds after, I’m pinned on the floor by my annoying father.  
  
“Where were you? I missed you, son!” he yells happily.  
  
“Will you shut up? You’ll wake up the girls. And get the fuck off!”  
  
“You don’t even greet your dad properly…” he pouts, crossing his arms over his chest, thus freeing my arms.  
  
“I said, GET OFF, old man!” I finally yell, hitting him right in the face to get him off me.  
  
“Daddy? Brother? What’s happening?” comes the mumble as we see Karin entering the room, rubbing her eyes.  
  
“Ah! Kariiin… Ichigo is so cruel!”  
  
“Sorry to have woken you up, Karin, it’s nothing. Go to bed;” I reassure her.  
  
When my room is finally quiet again, I slowly lay down on my bed, grunting. A good night’s sleep can only do well.  
  
**********************************************************  
  
The first thing that comes to my mind when I wake up later on is that I was wrong. Sleeping can be worse than the worst days I had.  
  
I’ve only dreamt about Ishida. And of course, it wasn’t a happy world with butterflies everywhere. The image of Ishida dying in my arms kept coming back again and again, mixed with some images of him after we would try to bring him back here. First he was a zombie, all blue, arms outstretched, abdomen ripped off, stomach dangling… Then a Hollow, with glasses, bow and all… And the most stupid of it all was that either the zombie or the Hollow had perfectly combed hair.  
  
Stupid subconscious…  
  
  
Looking out the window, I see the sun coming out. Turning to check my alarm clock, I realize that today is Sunday. I must have some luck left… I really have to return to the shop, or I would never be able to explain to Urahara what I want to do. And I’m sure he can find a solution.  
  
I’m still tired, but I go out of my bed anyway. Nobody is up yet, so I silently walk down to the kitchen to have a quick breakfast. Then I write a little note for them not to worry too much, telling I’m out for a walk and that I won’t probably be back until evening.  
  
So once again, I head for Sandal-Hat’s weird shop. How will I be able to explain everything to him? ‘I want to bring Ishida back, because I don’t want him to forget me?’ Okay, that seems selfish, and totally not a thing to say in front of that guy. ‘I want to bring him back, but I can’t do anything ‘illegal’, we must find something that isn’t against their laws.’ Yeah, that’s better.  
  
When the shop finally comes into view, the now familiar tingling tells me I’ll be able to at least ‘see’ Ishida. But then, the door of the shop opens and I stop dead, mouth agape, looking at the least person I thought I was going to see coming out of the shop, putting out the bin.


	10. Are you going mad?

_The door of the shop opens and I stop dead, mouth agape, looking at the last person I thought I was going to see coming out of the shop, putting out the bin._  
  
“I…Ishida?” I manage to say.  
  
His hair is shiny again, he has his glasses back on, his lips are back to a normal colour, and… his clothes have a big blue cross on it. It really is Ishida! What has Urahara done? Why didn’t he tell me he found the solution?  
  
“Ishida!” I yell, running to him.  
  
But then, as he turns to face me, I stop dead once again. He’s looking at me with a strange expression, something I’ve never seen on him… And then, he smiles. Moreover, he grins!  
  
What the hell? That’s so unlike him… He has a goofy smile. He reminds me of… Kon!  
  
ARGH! What have you done, Urahara?  
  
As I’m about to yell at Sandal-Hat, ‘Ishida’ drops the litter.  
  
“Ichigo!”  
  
Well then, now I’m sure it’s not him… He would never have called me by my first name… Admittedly, it sounded really good, though…  
  
“Ishida?” I say as he runs towards me. I don’t know what to do, but I can’t even move as he takes my head in his hands, those blue eyes staring at me seriously. I’m so confused. It shouldn’t feel that good to have him so close. Even more when it’s not really him inside!  
  
But then, I can’t think anymore as he leans forward. My eyes widen as I feel his lips pressing against mine gently, and my arms, as if moving on their own, wrap around his waist and pull him closer.  
  
A small part of me is fully aware that it’s not him, so I shouldn’t do that, but the other part is so confused, and enjoying it so much, that it doesn’t care. It’s still Ishida's body. And I realise that I'm already answering the kiss, deepening it.  
  
“Enjoying yourself, Kurosaki~?”  
  
Shit!  
  
My eyes widen again and I suddenly push Ishida away. Now that I’m recovering, my anger is coming back full force.  
  
“You bastard! What have you done with Ishida?”  
  
“You didn’t seem to actually care just now!” Urahara answers, still grinning and agitating his stupid fan.  
  
“Shut up! He took me by surprise,” I retort, looking away. Which was true! “But what have you done?”  
  
“Come in,” he says seriously.  
  
As we sit in his dining room, he continues. “It’s a pill. Don’t worry, it’s not a modified soul. This one is like the one Rukia ate last time.”  
  
“Yeah, I remember… But the one she ate was acting stupid. This one is… more… normal…”  
  
“That’s because of the body,” he replies, grinning again. “Even when they aren’t inhabited anymore, desires are still living in the body. The most intense feeling of the person remains in their body for days after the soul left. These kind of souls are weak, so they are influenced by these feelings. That’s what makes them more realistic!”  
  
“Okay… That’s why Kon is still himself in my body. So Rukia wants to hurt me all the time, and Ishida wants to kiss me…” I recap.  
  
“That’s right!” he chirps, grinning even more.  
  
I belatedly realise what I just said… Ishida… wants to…  
  
What? No way! I’m sure that bastard has tampered the soul in some way…  
  
I quickly look away, feeling my cheeks grow hot.  
  
Why do I feel like that? It’s annoying… He’s a guy, damnit. And I’m his enemy. And… he’s… dead…  
  
No!  
  
“Urahara!” I suddenly say, looking expectantly at him. “Why did you do that? Haven’t you found a solution?”  
  
“Not yet. That’s why I gave him a soul. Because, as you were able to see yesterday, his body was starting to die too. If we were to bring him back, his body would have hardly accepted him, and it would have been very long and painful for his soul to be allowed back in. I think I acted right on time, because this soul still has a few problems sometimes. But don’t worry, Kurosaki! It will be ready when he comes back!”  
  
I lower my gaze darkly. Maybe he has found a solution, from the way Urahara talks, but maybe he actually hasn’t… It wouldn’t surprise me, coming from him…   
  
“For now, I think you should return to school. It would be wiser.”  
  
I frown at that. School… I can’t avoid it… I’ll have to explain everything to my friends… But how?  
  
I look up to say something but he’s no longer there. Bastard.  
  
I stand up to leave that damn shop when something stops me. I look behind me to see Ishida gripping my arm.  
  
“Ichigo… Where are you going?”  
  
He seems so… so unlike himself! He looks shyer, his voice is a little bit higher, softer, and he isn't holding himself so haughty anymore. Just the way he’s looking at me makes me want to hug him.  
  
Instead, I turn away, gently getting out of his hold.  
  
“Goin’ home,” I answer, a little bit rougher than I intended. If I stay here, I fear I won’t be able to leave him.  
  
Stepping out of the shop, I sense that he’s still following me, so I stop.  
  
“Ishida –” I begin, not looking behind me.  
  
“Ichigo. Can I come with you?” he cuts me off, his voice so soft and filled with… sadness?  
  
Shit, shit, shit… It’s not him. Don’t even think about it, Ichigo.  
  
I find the strength to turn around and I grip his shoulders.  
  
“I’m sorry; Ishida, I can’t.” I don’t want to leave him with this freaky bastard, who knows what he’ll do to him, but I can’t take him either… “You must stay here, please believe me, it’ll be better for you. I’ll be back soon, okay?”  
  
At this, I see his face brightening. Fucking soul, exaggerating things. The real Ishida wouldn’t even think of acting that way.  
  
“Okay!” he answers happily.  
  
With that, I turn back around and hurry home.  
  
\---------------------------------  
  
There we are… I have to go to school today.  
  
I managed to avoid Rukia at home, but now I won’t be able to avoid anyone.  
  
On the way there, I can’t help but notice that even if the streets are crowded this time, they do still feel empty.  
  
  
As I finally arrive at school, I head straight for the classroom. Of course, I’m the first.  
  
It’s better, I want to have some peace and quiet to think of what I’ll say, but as soon as I sit at my desk, Rukia rushes into the classroom, closely followed by Inoue and Chad.  
  
“Ichigo! You’re finally back! Why did you avoid me?” she says.  
  
I turn my head to look at the window. I’m not ready; I don’t know what to say.  
  
“Welcome back, Kurosaki!” Inoue adds.  
  
“Have you found Ishida?”  
  
I turn to look at Chad. He never speaks uselessly; I don’t see why it would change now. He always goes straight to the point. I smile a little. It’s good to be back; I missed them.  
  
“I… He…” I stutter. “No.” I finally say darkly, looking at the window once more. I can’t… I don’t like the idea of lying to all of them, but… I can’t tell them either… I know we’ll find something. There must be something.  
  
“Ichigo…”  
  
They’re about to say something else, but the classroom door opens once more and everyone enters, followed by the teacher. This is going to be a long day. Maybe I should visit the shop after school…  
  
When the class is finally settled, the teacher starts her usual boring speech. But then, the door opens again. I turn to see who is late, and my eyes widen when I see Ishida entering the room, awkwardly pushing up his glasses.  
  
“I apologize for being late, professor,” he says, bowing slightly. And I recognize the soul’s voice. Seems like Urahara taught him how to be more like Ishida, but his voice is still not quite like the real one. It must be hard to imitate those arrogant manners!  
  
He looks at me while heading for his desk in front of mine, and I can see that even if he manages to keep his face serious, his eyes are shining in a happy and playful manner. Luckily, I’m the only one who saw it. Those glasses may be useful after all!  
  
\---------------------------------  
  
At the end of the day, I manage to catch Ishida before he leaves the classroom. He avoided us at lunch, so I was able to change the subject every time someone asked about him, because I’m sure Rukia, Inoue and Chad have already understood it’s not him.  
  
We hurry out of the school, him laughing happily like a child, but we stop suddenly as we hear Rukia’s threatening voice from behind.  
  
“Ichigo, what’s going on? What happened to Ishida?”  
  
I don’t look behind me, but I know Inoue and Chad are with her. I’m sorry, guys…  
  
“I’m sorry…” I end up saying. “I’m sorry.” I repeat.  
  
With that, I quickly grab Ishida’s hand and I start running.  
  
  
After a moment, he squeezes my hand and I quickly let go of him, blushing and slowing my pace.  
  
“Ichigo. I have to return to the shop.”  
  
I realise that I was running towards my house.  
  
“Yeah, of course! I’m sorry!” I say, scratching the back of my head. “It has been a close one, though. But you’re doing a good Ishida. Urahara trained you well.”  
  
“Thank you, Ichigo!” he says, grinning sheepishly. “Bye, Kurosaki.”  
  
I look at him wide-eyed as he turns away and hurries in the other direction. That last part was a fairly good imitation.  
  
Smiling and shaking my head slightly, I resume walking. Once home, I head directly for my bedroom.  
  
  
There, I find a note on my desk. Taking it hesitantly, my mouth falls open when reading the only four words scribbled on it, and I quickly shove it in my pocket. Looking up, I see that the window is closed, but I don’t have time for speculations. All that matters for the moment is Ishida.  
  
  
Throwing my bag on the bed, I rush outside, yelling a “Don’t wait for me for dinner”.  
  
I run through the streets, taking the path Ishida took earlier, thinking about that note.  
  
  


_“I found the solution.”_

  
  
  
\---------------------------------  
  
  
Isshin looked at his son, rushing outside the house, with a small smile.  
  
“Why are you smiling, dad?” Yuzu asked, seeing this ever so rare attitude of her father.  
  
He looked down at her, resting his hand gently on her head.  
  
“Nothing, Yuzu. I’m just happy for Ichigo,” he answered, still smiling unusually.  
  
“Do you know where he’s going?” the little girl asked, tilting her head slightly, frowning with concern and worry.  
  
“Don’t worry about him, he’s in good hands,” the man said, stroking her hair affectionately.  
  
With that, he left the room without answering the question.


	11. Why did you do that?

_“You’re not helping, Kurosaki. You make it harder. Will I ever be able to forget?”_  
  
Four days… It’s been four days now since you left. Four days trying to forget everything, four days only managing to think about you more than I should. Four days thinking about that dream, four days dreaming it again and again. Four days barely going out of my room, four days wondering if you’ll ever come back.  
  
After all, I’m sure you returned to our world, to _your_ world, so you met with your real friends once again; you’re happy with them, it’s easy to forget me. Now I’m dead, you shouldn’t bother about me anymore. Maybe you understood that around them, and that’s why you’re not going to ever come back.  
  
But why can’t _I_ forget? All would be easier, as Hitsugi warned me. I have to start a new life now. I have no choice. Even if my new life is going to be a little bit empty without you shouting around, brightening the surroundings with your hair… and your smile…  
  
Shaking my head roughly, I get up from my bed, heading down for the dining room. I think it will be better to have some comp…  
  
“-ou help me?”  
  
…a…ny?  
  
Entering the room, my eyes widen as I see him sitting at the table with Hitsugi and Kosumo.  
  
Was I so absorbed in my thoughts that I hadn’t even sensed him?  
  
Hitsugi is staring at the table, lost in thoughts. Then, he looks at Kosumo, and they share a sad smile.  
  
“Okay… We’ll help you as best we can, Mr Kurosaki.” Hitsugi says, turning to Kurosaki.  
  
That’s when my ‘dad’ finally sees me, standing at the doorway behind Kurosaki. He suddenly gets up and everyone turns to look at me. I can’t say anything; I just stare into Kurosaki’s warm brown eyes as he also turns around. He slowly gets up as well, walking towards me.  
  
“How are you, Ishida?”  
  
“Kurosaki? Why did you come back? I told you! I don’t need you, okay? Forget about me,” I retort.  
  
“Want to take a walk?” he asks calmly, as if I hadn’t said anything.  
  
“I don’t want to go out, thanks.”  
  
“Then let’s go to your room. I need to talk to you.”  
  
I look expectantly at Hitsugi and Kosumo, but they only smile back without a word.  
  
I sigh. “Okay,” I finally answer, turning around and leading him up to my room.  
  
  
The atmosphere is tense as I close the door behind us.  
  
“So, what was it you wanted to talk about?” I turn to look at him, and as no answer comes, I continue. “If you came back only because you wanted to talk, then you’re wasting y–”  
  
“We found a solution,” he cuts in, sitting on my bed and looking at me intensely.  
  
“You… what?” I ask, not really wanting to interpret it as something I know is impossible.  
  
“Yes, Ishida. Urahara found the solution to bring you back to our world.”  
  
I back up against the door, eyes wide.  
  
“No! No, you can’t! Kurosaki, don’t. It’s… It’s forbidden. Leave me alone.”  
  
Is he dumb? He’ll be in trouble! All that for bringing me back? I don’t deserve it.  
  
“No, it’s not!” he shouts, getting up suddenly and walking towards me. “He found a solution that won't put us in trouble! Don’t think you’ll get rid of me that easily, Ishida!”  
  
As he walks closer, I want to back away, but the door is blocking my way.  
  
“Kurosaki, I’m dead! Don’t you understand? It’s all over now, and we’ll have to deal with it.”  
  
“I don’t want to deal with it, this can't be the end,” he says, now close to me. “Don’t _you_ understand?”  
  
I can’t do anything as he moves closer, putting a hand on my cheek. I can’t tear my eyes away from his.  
  
“I need you, Ishida,” he whispers. “Our world is empty without you. I can’t let you forget me.”  
  
My heart is beating fast, but I can’t let him do this. I manage to move away from his hand, but he catches me around the waist to stop me from going any further.  
  
“Kurosaki, what are you…”  
  
He leans closer, and I’m too weak to move.  
  
“No… Kurosaki! Don’t… please…” I manage to whisper, before he closes the distance between our lips, breaking every ounce of resistance that I have left.  
  
He pulls away only after a second or two. His breathing is a little bit quicker than usual, and so is mine.  
  
He looks at me intensely again, and seeing as I don’t slap him or anything, he smiles. Which, by the way, only serves to weaken me even more.  
  
Four days… It’s been four days now since I dreamt of that kiss. Four days trying to forget it, four days secretly hoping it was real. Four days trying to ignore the pain in my chest, four days only managing to make it deeper than it has been for months now. Four days trying to forget you, four days thinking about you more than I should.  
  
He tightens his hold and drops his head onto my shoulder.  
  
“Thank you…” I hear him whispering.  
  
“Kurosaki? What…”  
  
“Hey! Call me Ichigo, will you?” he says, looking at me again.  
  
“I…chigo…” I whisper after a moment, shuddering at the memory of that dream.  
  
And he kisses me again, more passionately than the previous hesitant one, and all my thoughts are evaporating as he pulls me away from the door, deepening the kiss. Our tongs meet as he pushes me towards the bed. I can’t hold the moan escaping my throat as we fall heavily onto it, him on top of me. He pulls away once more, still smiling.  
  
However, I can’t help but notice the sadness in his eyes. And… is that… _fear_?  
  
I take his head in my hands, returning to reality.  
  
“Kurosaki. We shouldn’t be doing this. Stop now, please. Leave, before…” I say, unable to finish the sentence.  
  
“Before what?”  
  
“Before it’s too late! Leave me alone, now. We can’t live like this.”  
  
“Of course we won’t live like this,” he answers in an even tone.  
  
He backs away, and I think he is really going to obey, but he only takes his Zanpakutou off, setting it against the desk.  
  
“Kurosaki, no!” I cry as he crawls on top of me again.  
  
All resistance is once again reduced to nothing as he pins my hands above my head and kisses me hard.  
  
“I won’t leave you here, I promise,” he whispers as he moves his kisses down to my neck.  
  
I shut my eyes tightly, trying to stop those opposites thoughts from making my brain explode.  
  
Stop him! _But it feels so good…_  
  
It shouldn’t! You must forget him! _But how long have you been waiting for this?_  
Bullshit! He’s a shinigami. _I don’t care!_  
  
I warned you. He’ll betray you. _No! He will never do that._  
  
FORGET HIM! PUSH HIM AWAY!  
  
And then, I can’t think anymore as I feel an immeasurable pain in my heart. Literally, this time.  
  
I open my eyes to see Zangetsu has been driven into my chest, Ichigo holding tightly onto the handle, head lowered and eyes closed firmly, muttering incomprehensible things.  
  
“Kuro…saki…?”  
  
I felt loved for the first time in years, now I feel betrayed; I feel empty for the second time in days.


	12. Will you succeed?

_“Kuro…saki…?”_  
  
I can’t open my eyes. I can’t look at him. I can’t bear to see him like that for a second time. I know he must feel betrayed, but I can’t explain it to him.  
  
 _“Kurosaki, you must be really careful, alright? You have to put all your soul into it. To focus only on what you’re about to do. You’ll need to… kill Ishida…”  
  
“WHAT? No way! Urahara, I can’t do that and you know it!”  
  
“It’s the only solution if you want it to be legal. Let me explain first. Dead humans are sent to Soul Society, and dead souls are sent back to the real world; they are reincarnated, but not in themselves, obviously. The soul is sent into a baby who is yet to be born, so he won’t remember his past life, see? Growing up, he might get some brief flashes sometimes, you know those feelings of déjà vu. Anyway, you, as a Shinigami, can control a reincarnation. But for that, you must follow some rules, or it won’t work. Do you want to hear them?”  
  
“…Okay.”  
  
“Good. So first, like I said, you have to focus your entire soul on this task, and, I warn you, the soul must not be aware of what you’re about to do, you must not tell him anything. Once you’re ready, you must pierce his heart with your Zanpakutou. Only with your Zanpakutou! Because if you focus enough, you’ll be able to sense his soul leaking out along with the blood. And by focusing hard, you’ll be able to control it through your Zanpakutou.”_  
  
“Focusing hard…” I whisper. Yeah, that’s it. I can sense his soul.  
  
 _“When you are able to sense his soul, then you must attract it to you. Your Zanpakutou will help you, he’ll make the soul leak through him, if you’re concentrating enough.”_  
  
Help me, Zangetsu, please. It has to work… I need him.  
  
“Come with me, Ishida…” I whisper again, focusing hard on attracting him. Then I sense it again, leaking up through Zangetsu. “Thank you, old man.”  
  
 _“Take this. When the soul begins leaking through your Zanpakutou, then you must force it to go into this little flask. It’s a special receptacle. It will keep the soul contained, whereas usually, no wall can block a soul. So you put this at the end of your Zanpakutou, and you must force the soul to enter it. Once done, you close it. However, before closing it, you must make sure that there’s no part of his soul left, this is the most important, okay?”_  
  
I search through my pockets with one hand, the other still holding Zangetsu. Finding the little flask, I put it head-down at the end of Zangetsu. I can sense the soul coming closer, so I focus on making it go into the receptacle. After some time, I can’t sense anything left in his body, so I quickly close the flask.  
  
 _“Once it’s done, you must come back as fast as you can. The receptacle is powerful, but his soul is too, so he may be able to create a little hole and escape. If that’s the case, don’t panic. Focus again on maintaining the soul inside the flask. The other reason as to why you must be quick is his body. I did my best to keep his body from decaying, but the soul I gave him isn’t a powerful one, it doesn't have the strength of a real soul, so the body might win the fight soon.”_  
  
Okay, now. Quick.  
  
I open my eyes again, looking at the dead body underneath me. His eyes are wide open, but they are empty, soulless. It worked!  
  
I close his eyes, noticing a tear had fallen down my cheek, and I carefully take Zangetsu back.  
  
“I’m sorry,” I whisper, kissing his dead lips.  
  
  
I hurry downstairs to say goodbye to everyone.  
  
“Thanks for everything. And sorry for the mess, up there.”  
  
“You welcome, it’s nothing, really.” Kosumo says.  
  
“Can we… Can I talk to him before you leave?” Hitsugi asks.  
  
“Oh. Yeah, ‘course, he’s here,” I answer, handing the flask towards them.  
  
Hitsugi leans towards it and says, smiling, “Bye, Uryuu! It has been a pleasure to meet you, even for this short time. But we really hope with all our heart that we won’t see you again anytime soon.”  
  
I smile widely at that. “Thank you again. I have to go now. Bye!”  
  
  
**********************************  
  
  
Finally arriving at the Senkaimon again, I remember that I can’t open it. I’m losing time… I should have thought about it earlier. Now I must find Renji’s headquarter.  
  
“Congratulations, Kurosaki Ichigo,” comes a dull voice from behind me.  
  
“Tch… Looks like ya need us again.”  
  
I turn around to see Byakuya and Renji behind me again, like last time.  
  
“Byakuya! Renji!” I greet, smiling. “I… Can you, please…”  
  
I stop as I sense the soul in my hand getting more powerful. He must have weakened the barrier already.  
  
“Shit! I don’t have time,” I hear myself saying.  
  
Renji looks at his captain, who doesn’t move. “Captain?”  
  
Byakuya finally closes his eyes and I hear the door behind me opening.  
  
My eyes widen. Is the captain getting even more powerful? I didn’t even see him move. Well, it may also be because I’m focused on something else. Yeah, that must be it.  
  
Renji looks at me again, grinning broadly. “See ya, Ichigo! Next time, we meet we won’ forget t’ remind ya how much y’ owe us.”  
  
“Sure thing! Thanks for everything, really. Bye!”  
  
And with that, I once again step into the white blinding light.  
  
  
**********************************  
  
  
This time, I find myself just in front of Urahara Shouten.  
  
“Thank you,” I whisper, looking up, smiling. I know he isn’t as cold-hearted as he wants to appear.  
  
Sensing the soul in my hand getting even more powerful, I rush inside the shop and hurry to the room where I think they must be.  
  
Seeing him kneeling beside Ishida’s motionless body, I hand him the flask.  
  
“Urahara, I have him!” I say.  
  
He cautiously takes the little recipient and examines it. Kneeling in front of him, on the other side of Ishida, I watch him turning it over and over again in his hands.  
  
“OOOOOOkay, Kurosaki!” he chirps suddenly, causing me to jump. “You did everything perfectly! I guess you should thank Zangetsu later.”  
  
“Y…Yeah! So, you’ll be able to –”  
  
“Sh!” he cuts me off, raising a hand and frowning. “Don’t talk anymore.”  
  
Knowing better than to disturb him, I silently watch him as he slowly leans over Ishida’s body, placing the flask's head down on Ishida's chest. He keeps it there for what seems like a minute or two, and then looks up at me.  
  
“Would you please take off his shirt?” he asks, smiling, his eyes glinting.  
  
I look away, not wanting to acknowledge the hotness in my cheeks.  
  
“S… Sure…”  
  
I slowly unzip Ishida’s shirt and gently lift him up to take it off, staring intensely at some very interesting point on the floor.  
  
Putting the shirt on my lap to fold later, I look at Urahara again as he closes his eyes and uncaps the flask. He puts it once again over Ishida’s bare chest.  
  
It seems like an hour has passed and nothing happens, nobody is moving. However, suddenly, Ishida arches his back, inhaling a deep breath, while I release mine. I hadn’t even noticed that I was holding my breath and clutching tightly onto Ishida’s shirt.  
  
I slowly regain my breathing and loosen my grip. But as Ishida doesn’t seem to open his eyes, I look at Urahara again, who is closing the flask and leaning back.  
  
“It’s okay, his soul is back. We did everything we could. Now, everything rests in his hands. He must fight to be accepted by his body again, he must will it to make that fusion,” he says, as if reading my thoughts. “And I don’t know how much time it may take; I don’t even know if he’ll ever wake up, it all depends on his strength of will.”  
  
Frowning and nodding slightly, I look down to Ishida again as Urahara gets up and leaves the room without another word.  
  
Not knowing what to do, but not wanting to leave his side, I decide to put his shirt back on him.  
  
Once done, not without trouble, I kneel back beside him.  
  
“Please… wake up… Uryuu…” I whisper, his first name unconsciously crossing my lips for the first time.  
  
Absent-mindedly, I take his hand, squeezing it tightly, running the other one through his hair.


	13. What do these memories mean?

_“Bye, Uryuu! It has been a pleasure to meet you, even for this short time. But we really hope with all our heart that we won’t see you again anytime soon.”  
  
“It’s okay, his soul is back. We did everything we could. Now, everything rests in his hands. He must fight to be accepted by his body again, he must will it to make that fusion.”  
  
“Please… Wake up…”_  
  
What were these voices? I remember them only vaguely… As if I wasn’t myself…  
  
And why can’t I open my eyes? My body is terribly heavy.  
  
My body? The last thing I remember is that I wasn’t in a body anymore; I was only a soul, in Soul Society. It’s a strange sensation… What happened?  
  
I remember… being kissed by Ichigo, who then… What’s been happening? Why did he do that?  
  
I can’t move, but I sense that someone is holding my hand tightly, and something is lightly brushing my hair. It’s soothing. But I still can’t open my eyes. I try to take my hand away from the one that is holding me, but I only manage to squeeze it gently.  
  
“Uryuu?” I hear that familiar voice say with a point of hope, of relief, and of tiredness.  
  
I try to answer but the only sound that escapes my mouth is a groan.  
  
“Uryuu!” he repeats, holding my hand tighter than before. This time I can hear happiness in his voice. That idiot. Who told him he could call me by my first name?  
  
Little by little, I finally will my eyes to open. I don’t know where I am, but he is here, next to me, looking as if he hasn’t slept for a week. His deep frown is still in place.  
  
“Are you okay?” Ichigo asks hesitantly.  
  
I slowly nod in response, sure that my voice isn't working.  
  
Seeing that, he smiles warmly. The smile I have been waiting for for months. It seems like nothing else matters now.  
  
But he starts frowning again.  
  
“Can you move?”  
  
I try again to move every other muscle in my body, without success, so I slowly shake my head.  
  
“It’s been two days now since I brought you back. I was afraid you’d never wake up…”  
  
As I look around, as far as my eyes can see, he adds, “Yeah, you’re back in Urahara Shouten.”  
  
My eyes widen. That must be a joke. I was dead; I was in Soul Society!  
  
Realisation slowly reaches me. He told me he found a solution, last time. Is that why he killed me back there? Dead souls in Soul Society are sent back to the real world?  
  
But it shouldn’t have been that easy… Originally, I shouldn’t have been sent to my body, should I?  
  
I slowly frown as well. Why did he do all this?  
  
“See? I told you I’d bring you back!”  
  
“Kurosaki~! Did he wake up?” I hear another voice, quickly followed by Urahara coming into view.  
  
“Yeah!” Ichigo answers enthusiastically.  
  
“Oh, great! Take this now, will you, Ishida?” the older man asks me, putting a pill in my mouth.  
  
I try to swallow it, but the pill suddenly melts itself down my throat. I don’t know what it was, but my body feels less heavy now.  
  
After some silent minutes, he leaves the room, muttering something to Ichigo, and I very slowly manage to push myself up on my elbows.  
  
“So it wasn’t a dream then?” I manage to ask, glad to have my voice back, even if it sounds raspy. “I really went to Soul Society?”  
  
“Unfortunately, it wasn’t a dream. In some way, I would have rather it had all been a dream. It’s unbearable to see someone who’s close to you dying and realise your helplessness.”  
  
“But why did you bring me back, Kurosaki? I didn’t ask for anything,” I say, pulling myself up in a sitting position.  
  
He frowns. “I thought we cleared this up last time.”  
  
 _“I need you, Ishida.”_ I look away, sensing my cheeks warming as I remember what he told me. _“Our world is empty without you”_  
  
“It may seem mushy, but it’s true,” he adds.  
  
I look at him again, not knowing what to do or what to say.  
  
He slowly leans towards me, placing a chaste kiss on my lips before getting up.  
  
“Kurosaki,” I call out barely higher than a murmur when I see him heading for the door. When he doesn’t stop, I sigh and call him again. “Ichigo.” He finally stops at the door and looks back at me. “Thank you.”  
  
He shrugs and leaves the room.  
  
And I’m left alone, thinking, probably too much. What does that mean? What does it all mean, this and what happened back there? Why do I feel weak when thinking about it?  
  
 _“I need you, Ishida.”_  
  
Does that tingling in my stomach mean that I feel the same way—the same “need”?  
  
Kurosaki… no… Ichigo. Do I…? No, it must be something else. I mean, yes, I like you, as a friend. Alright, maybe a little more than a friend, but–  
  
“Are you feeling okay, Ishida?” someone asks from behind me, making me jump out of my thoughts.  
  
I look behind me to see Urahara in the doorway. “Yes, I’m okay. Thank you very much for everything.”  
  
“It’s not me you should thank, but Kurosaki!” he answers, waving his fan, grinning. I nod and he continues, “Do you want to stay here to rest a little bit more?”  
  
“No, it’s okay, thank you,” I say, slowly standing up. “I think I’ll return home.”  
  
He nods and follows me to the entrance of the shop.  
  
“See you, then, Ishida! It’s good to have you back. And don’t forget to thank Kurosaki!” he chirps, waving his fan again in that annoying manner.  
  
“Yes, thank you, Mr Urahara.”  
  
Turning around, I slowly walk out of the shop. I’m still a bit weak, but I’m eager to return to my flat again. It’s been a while, and I thought I’d never see it again.  
  
  
After a long walk, I can finally see my house in the distance. The road isn’t that long, but as I’m still a bit weak, I have to walk slowly. Eventually, I stop in front of the building, leaning against the wall before the gate.  
  
I have to go on, there’s not so much distance left… but I don't think I'll be able to walk the path to the entrance door.  
  
Slowly pushing myself away from the wall with my hand, I try to move forward, but my legs are too heavy and I stumble to my knees before falling on my side. I need sleep…   
  
“Uryuu!”  
  
Someone is running towards me.  
  
“Ichigo?” I whisper as I see blurred orange kneeling beside me.  
  
“Uryuu, are you okay?” he shouts.  
  
“Yeah, I’m fine,” I answer automatically.  
  
“Tch… Of course you’re not, moron.” Pulling me into a sitting position, my back on the wall, Ichigo asks if I can stand up.  
  
Nodding slowly, I try to but he catches my arm and puts it around his shoulders, snaking his other arm around my waist to pull me up easily.  
  
“Is your home still far away?” he asks.  
  
“No, it’s this one,” I answer, pointing to the building on our left. “First floor.”  
  
“Oh, okay.”  
  
As we start climbing the stairs in silence, I finally ask, “What are you doing here? How did you find me?”  
  
“Well, in fact, I was following you. You didn’t sense me?” he asks, dumbfounded.  
  
I look at him, wide-eyed. Am I that weak?  
  
“But that’s not the point. Why did you leave the shop if you were still this weak?” he continues.  
  
“Urahara told me I could go home. And you left without a word.”  
  
“I had to take a leak, is all! Since when do I have to tell you everything I’m going to do?” he replies, a little bit annoyed, but amusement is clearly audible in his voice.  
  
I shake my head, but more to clear away my stupidity… Finally stepping onto the first floor, I lead him to the right and stop in front of the second door on our left.  
  
I clear my throat. “You may go now. I’ll be able to get home on my own.”  
  
Instead, he holds out his hand – the one that was previously holding my arm on his shoulder – towards me. “I won’t leave until I’m sure you’re safe in your bed.”  
  
I roll my eyes in exasperation, but hand him the keys nonetheless.  
  
Opening the door, he leads me inside, pulling me towards my bedroom. Actually, it’s the only room apart from the bathroom, so he didn’t quite have to ask me where it was.  
  
When he lays me on my bed, I feel like I’m going to pass out at once.  
  
He’s looking intensely at me. Before dozing off, I find the strength to whisper, “You look like you haven’t slept for a week. You can take a nap on the sofa if you want.”


	14. What are we?

_“You look like you haven’t slept for a week. You can take a nap on the sofa if you want.”_  
  
That must be true… It’s been a while since I’ve fully slept, and for the days while he was still unconscious, I hadn’t even slept a single bit, waiting next to him for any sign that he’d actually wake up.  
  
“Yeah, you’re right. Thanks,” I say, scratching the back of my neck.  
  
But I don’t think he heard me, for as soon as he finished his sentence, I’m sure he was already fast asleep. That idiot… Of course he needs it… He shouldn’t have left the shop… Damn Urahara for telling him he could go home.  
  
After looking at him sleeping for a moment, I finally leave the bedroom and lay myself on the sofa.  
  
  
**********************************  
  
  
I suddenly wake up later as it’s getting darker outside. Getting up, I head for the bedroom to find Ishida’s still fast asleep. However, as I sit at the edge of the bed, he moves.  
  
“Ichigo?” he mumbles.  
  
I smile, “You okay, Uryuu?”  
  
Setting himself up on his elbows, he frowns. “Would you stop calling me by my first name? I didn’t allow you to do so. And anyway, nobody calls me like that, and it’s not going to change.”  
  
I look at him, a little bit dumbfounded by what I just heard, but I recover quite quickly.  
  
“So,” I begin, “to you, I’m considered as nobody?”  
  
I don’t like that little bit of sadness that can be heard in my voice, but it seems to embarrass him in some way as he turns his head to look away.  
  
“No… not really… but…” he mumbles.  
  
“Good,” I say, leaning forward to pull him into a wild kiss.  
  
He moans, but doesn’t even try to pull away, so I climb on top of him, fighting for dominance into the kiss.  
  
As I trail the kisses down his neck, my hand ‘accidentally’ brushes against his crotch, eliciting a pleasured groan from beneath me.  
  
“You seem to like that,” I say, looking up and rubbing my hand a little more precisely over the same point with a cocky grin.  
  
“Ah… Ichigo, stop!”  
  
  
**********************************  
  
  
Holy shit! What the hell was that?  
  
Sitting up on the sofa, I look around. I’m still at Uryuu’s flat… And it’s already night. Hell… I slept that much… But, I hadn’t slept that well in a long time. No nightmares… Well… No, I don’t think I could consider that dream as a nightmare, but still...  
  
Groaning, I get up, ignoring the pain in my lower abdomen. Finding some paper on his desk, I write a little note, saying I hope to see him tomorrow at school. Silently entering his bedroom, I lay the paper on his bedside, determined not to look at him.  
  
“I…o…um,” he mumbles.  
  
Again?  
  
I finally look at him, expression pained, ready to tear the note into pieces.  
  
Don’t even try to deny it now. It really is Inoue’s name you’re mumbling in your dreams.  
  
“I…chi…go…”  
  
Oh…   
  
…Well… That changes everything.  
  
  
Grinning inwardly, I hurry home.  
  
  
**********************************  
  
  
In the morning, Yuzu had to call me three times before finally managing to wake me up entirely; I really have a lot of sleep to catch up.  
  
Well, maybe I’ll see Uryuu at school. That’s a good point. However… After what happened last night… And that dream that I keep thinking about… I really don’t know how I’ll react when I see him…  
  
But if he doesn't show up at school, maybe I should pop by his place afterwards, to make sure he’s okay.  
  
  
After arriving at school, close to being late, I can’t help but once more notice his empty chair. When the class finally begins, there’s a soft knock on the door. I look expectantly at the student coming in, but seeing it’s just some other classmate, I feel really disappointed. Maybe he’s too tired; maybe he’s still not feeling well enough. Maybe… Maybe he tried to come to school but fainted like yesterday! Oh shit… I have to go and see if he’s okay… I can’t stand it… If he needs help…  
  
No. Thinking like that won’t help… I can’t leave the classroom… Shit.  
  
  
The morning passes by, really, really slowly, and my thoughts disturb me from hearing anything.  
  
“…go.”  
  
“Ichigo!”  
  
I turn to look at Rukia, who, in turn, is glaring at me.  
  
“What’s going on?” she whispers, concerned.  
  
I shrug and shake my head, looking back at the blank sheet in front of me.  
  
Finally, the bell rings. Lunch! That’s it! I’ll get out and I’ll quickly go to his house to see if he’s okay.  
  
  
Restraining myself from running out of the classroom, I quickly get up and hurry outside the building, ignoring the shouts behind me. Before arriving at the school gates, I can’t control myself anymore and start running toward the exit. Turning left to take the path to Uryuu’s flat, I accidentally bump into someone.  
  
“Shit! I’m s–… Uryuu!”  
  
“Kurosaki? What are you doing here? Shouldn’t you be up there, eating?” he asks, surprised.  
  
“Nah... I couldn’t… I was wondering if something happened to you,” I admit, looking away.  
  
He raises his eyebrows. “You were… running to my flat?”  
  
“Yeah…” I answer, feeling more and more embarrassed.  
  
“Well, that’s –”  
  
I don’t even bother letting him finish his sentence. Pushing him against the gates, I kiss him.  
  
“Mmmnn… Not… here… Kuro–” he tries to protest as I wrap my arms around his waist.  
  
However, he quickly gives in and starts answering to the kiss. Pulling away a little bit later, I press our foreheads together.  
  
“I missed you,” I whisper while he looks away.  
  
“…chiGOO!”  
  
We both look left to see Rukia appearing. We hurriedly pull away from each other, but seeing the look on her face, it’s probably too late.  
  
“Ichi…go…” she whispers. Then, looking at Ishida, she smiles, though it seems a bit forced. “Ishida, you’re back!”  
  
“Kuchiki,” he greets with a small nod, pushing his glasses up in an attempt to hide his blush.  
  
“It’s…erm… good to see you again. I… uh… I think I’ll go back, and tell them –”  
  
“Nothing,” I cut her off. “Please, Rukia… Don’t tell anyone anything.”  
  
“Erm… Yeah… Sure…” she replies absent-mindedly, turning away.  
  
“It would be wise to go inside, as well,” Uryuu says after an awkward silence.  
  
I follow him, walking towards the building.


	15. How long will it last?

_“It would be wise to go inside, as well,”_  
  
Even though the lunch bell hasn’t rung yet, I head directly for the classroom, Ichigo following me.  
  
After what just happened, I wanted to be alone, but well… I think it might be what he needs too. It wouldn’t be easy to eat with Kuchiki after what she saw. At least, not if we want to keep that… thing… that… relationship – call it whatever you want – secret. Hell… After that, I don’t even think it’ll stay secret. Not that I don’t trust Kuchiki, but well… she didn’t seem quite approving… And that’s understandable.  
  
Entering the classroom, I sit at my desk.  
  
“Ur – Ishida,” he says as he enters, walking towards me.  
  
I’m glad he’s wise enough to use my last name.  
  
“Kurosaki,” I say, not bearing the awkward silence that had settled. “I think we should st–”  
  
“No!” he shouts, cutting me off. “I know what you’re going to say. But… Are you going to deny all that happened… because of _that_? I don’t care about what anyone thinks.”  
  
“Didn’t you see how she reacted? It looked like she was expecting something else from you… _Everyone_ is expecting something else from you,” I say, not daring to look at him and getting a book out of my bag instead.  
  
“Well then, let’s tell her it’s not what it looked like. Let’s tell her… we were fighting! Yeah! We were fighting, that’s all, and we ended up like that. I mean, she didn’t see us kissing, did she?”  
  
I look at him with a raised eyebrow. “Brilliant, Kurosaki. And you think she’ll believe that? You were… _cuddling_ me,” I add, adjusting my glasses, looking at my book again.  
  
Scratching his neck, he was about to say something when the lunch bell rings, so he goes to sit behind his desk without a word.  
  
When everyone enters the classroom, I feel like they’re all watching me, but that must surely only be because I have been absent for quite a long time.  
  
  
**********************************  
  
  
After quite a hard time explaining to the teacher that I had had some ‘urgent issues’ in my family, and one of my cousins had suddenly passed away in an accident, she finally looks at me with understanding eyes.  
  
By that time, the only one left in the classroom is Ichigo, so she asks him if he could help me catch up with everything.  
  
“Uh… Yeah, sure thing, prof,” he answers, stuffing his things into his bag.  
  
“Thank you. You both may go now.”  
  
Heading for the doorway, he catches up with me.  
  
“Well, we might as well begin now, since you missed a lot,” he says, loud enough for the teacher to hear. “Maybe your place will be safer… My dad will never let us study in peace.”  
  
“Okay,” I answer vaguely, adjusting my glasses.  
  
  
Once outside my building, I look at him.  
  
“It’s weird she asked you that, don’t you think? Weren’t you also absent all the time you were… in Soul Society?”  
  
He scratches his neck again, laughing. “Well, I wouldn’t be surprised if that stupid Sandal-Hat had sent Kon. After all, he put a mod soul in your body too for some days, you know. It was… weird,” he adds, looking away. “But he made him come to school. He even taught him your mannerism, adjusting glasses and all that!”  
  
“I don’t have mannerism!” I retort, before realising I was adjusting my glasses again. He looks at me, grinning. “Alright, fine… but…” I start, looking down at my hand.  
  
“Don't worry, it’s okay. It’s kind of who you are, I guess,” he answers, eyes focused pensively in the horizon.   
  
I look at him, raising an eyebrow, until he finally looks to the other side, mumbling a quick “never mind” in an embarrassed way.  
  
  
“Are you really planning on coming to my place?” I finally ask after a moment of silence, seeing that we were close to my flat now.  
  
“Yeah, if you don’t mind, why not? I won’t be any help for homework or anything, but… I won't mind spending a little more time with you,” he states, staring at the horizon again. I can’t help but notice his little blush… and I must admit it’s rather cute.  
  
However, I can’t stop myself from thinking. What does this all mean? What are we doing?  
  
 _“I need you, Ishida.”_  
  
Okay… But how long will it take him to get tired of me? Surely he’s acting by pure lust, or something similar. He needs to be close to someone, and it has to be me, just like it could have been anyone else. I’m the one who died in his hands, so he chose me. In some way, I can understand him; with his ‘job’, he has to save a lot of people, but he has nothing more important than friends or family.

But still… I’m sure he can seduce Kuchiki or Inoue in a heartbeat, so why bother with someone like me? Me, a Quincy, and a guy nonetheless? And why do _I_ care so much for a Shinigami?  
  
Maybe it is what I was waiting for for a few months. I wanted his attention, and now I have it all… So what am I complaining about?  
  
Silently, lost in thoughts, we arrive in front of my door and, mechanically, I open it. Once inside, however, Kurosaki pulls me out of my reverie.  
  
“Uryuu? What are you thinking about?” he asks from behind me, catching my wrist and pulling me gently towards him.  
  
“Nothing,” I answer, looking away from his intense gaze.  
  
“No, it’s not ‘nothing’. I can tell it’s important and bothering you by the way you’re frowning.”  
  
I push my glasses up with my free hand. “Nothing you should care about, Kurosaki.”  
  
“How many times do I have to tell you to call me Ichigo?” he sighs, frowning and snaking his arms around my waist. “And I do care. Because…”  
  
Instead of continuing his sentence, he pulls me closer, leans forward, and kisses me.  
  
When he pulls away seconds after, he’s smiling. Smiling warmly.  
  
“Because… I like you… more than I should,” he finishes.  
  
This genuine smile has put to rest all my previous thoughts. I can’t do anything else but stare at him.  
  
And then he frowns again, taking a step back to lean against the door, pulling me with him, and drops his head down on my shoulder, sighing.  
  
“Now the question is… what do _you_ think?”


	16. Smile for me, I'll smile for you.

_“Now the question is… what do_ you _think?”_  
  
“Ichigo,” I say after a silent moment.  
  
He looks at me again. I can’t help but feel a little happy inside, but I’m still a little bit afraid at the same time… However, maybe it won’t hurt to let him know.  
  
“I… I like you, too…” I say, looking away, but he takes my head in his hands to force me to look at him.  
  
He’s smiling, and this time, his smile is… happy?  
  
“Uryuu…” he says softly before pulling me for another kiss. This time, I put my arms around his back to get even closer and deepen the kiss.  
  
He moans, but as I open my mouth to let his tongue in, I’m quite sure I did the same.  
  
Our tongues are fighting for dominance, but then he pushes me against my bedroom wall, causing both of us to groan from the force. He pulls away, panting, and starts kissing my neck, his hands under my shirt. I can’t help but shiver from the warm touch. I moan again, tilting my head to the left to give him more space.  
  
His hands on my back, he looks up at me again. “Uryuu,” he repeats, smiling. “I’m so happy.”  
  
Looking at him, I can’t help but smile a little.  
  
“I hope this cleared up whatever you were thinking,” he adds.  
  
“Erm… yeah… sort of,” I answer, uneasy.  
  
But then he grinds against me, causing our crotches to rub together.  
  
“Ah… Ichigo… What are you–” I stutter from the surprise.  
  
“I’m sorry… I can’t hold back anymore,” he replies, hiding his head on my shoulder once more.  
  
This makes me smile again, and after hesitating a moment and rolling my eyes up, I reach down to unbuckle his belt.  
  
He suddenly looks up at me, surprised, but I’m looking unflinchingly back at him, determined.  
  
After unzipping his pants, I start massaging his hard-on through his briefs, causing his head to fall heavily back onto my shoulder.  
  
“Fuck… Uryuu…”  
  
Seeing him this weak is quite a surprise, but I find myself thinking that I’m the one who causes this weakness, me alone, and I don’t want to share this side of Ichigo with anyone. I want him only for myself… And I want to be his only.  
  
He bites back a groan as I get into the material, my other hand going up to caress his chest. Slowly, I start stroking his arousal, and he thrusts in my hand, clutching my back tightly. Lifting his head up, he trails his kisses along my jaw line to my lips. He groans into my mouth as I gently pinch one of his nipples with my free hand.  
  
He pulls away from the kiss, breathing really hard as I stroke him a little faster.  
  
“Ah… U…ryuu…” he cries as he comes in my hand, pressing our foreheads together.  
  
After having regained his breathing, he kisses me again and whispers, “Jeez… It feels so good… Let me…”  
  
He doesn’t bother finishing his sentence nor waiting for an answer before he unbuckles my pants and starts giving me the same treatment.  
  
  
**********************************  
  
  
I wake up later on on the sofa to find Ichigo still fast asleep with his head in my lap. Absent-mindedly, I run my fingers through his hair, making him moan in his sleep.  
  
“Mmnn… Uryuu?” he mumbles, slowly opening his eyes.  
  
“Sorry to have woken you up,” I say as he pulls himself up into a sitting position.  
  
He shakes his head slightly. “Nah, ‘s okay.”  
  
“It’s getting dark, maybe you should go,” I state, looking outside the window.  
  
“Yeah, you’re right.” Getting up, he stretches. “See you tomorrow at school then, okay?”  
  
I nod, eyes still focused outside, and he places a small kiss on my lips.  
  
“You're sure you're okay?”  
  
I finally look up at him, letting a small smile cross my lips.  
  
“I’m okay, Kurosaki. Now get out.”  
  
“Good!” he says, smiling. “Good night.”  
  
When the door closes, I sigh, turning to the window once more.  
  
“Yeah… School, tomorrow… I won’t be surprised if Kuchiki avoids us now…”  
  
  
**********************************  
  
  
Here we are again, on the roof, eating lunch with all of Ichigo’s friends. It’s really good to be back.  
  
However, as I predicted, Kuchiki hasn’t talked to me once. But as the lunch bell rings again, she turns to us as we all get up.  
  
“Ichigo, Ishida, I would like to have a word with you two before going.”  
  
“’s okay, guys, you can go, we’ll catch up,” Ichigo says, as everyone is looking at us.  
  
When they finally start going down the stairs, Inoue looking repeatedly back at us in her concerned manner, Kuchiki speaks again.  
  
“Okay, guys. I wanted to apologise for last time. I… well, I was a bit surprised, but I thought about it and it was kind of obvious, with the way you acted around each other.  
  
I look at her, eyebrows raised, but she continues: “Still, well… I didn’t think… Anyway, if that makes you both happy, then so be it. I just wanted to let you know that you have my support… as well as Inoue’s and Sado’s.”  
  
“What?” Ichigo exclaims. “You told them–”   
  
“I didn’t say anything!” she cuts him off, smiling and shaking her head. “I already told you, it was pretty obvious, and they had been guessing for quite a long time now. It’ll be a little harder for Inoue,” she adds, looking intensely at Ichigo, “but I know she’ll tell you exactly what I did.”  
  
With that, she leaves us alone on the roof, and I can’t help letting out a small sigh of relief.  
  
“So _that's_ what was bothering you yesterday?” Ichigo asks.  
  
I look at him, taken aback, but then smile again. “Yeah… Sort of…”  
  
“You think too much,” he sighs. “But now, you’ll be able to focus only on me,” he adds, pulling me in for a rough kiss.  
  
From then on, it became our daily ‘after-lunch kiss’. We always managed to stay a little behind everyone in order to have even a small minute for ourselves.  
  
  
**********************************  
  
  
One week later, we were walking back from school to my flat, as usual, after a particularly intense school day, filled with different exams. That must explain why, after closing my door, Ichigo pushes me rather firmly against it to kiss me.  
  
That must also explain why, after pulling away from the kiss, I grab his arm and lead him towards my bedroom.  
  
“Let’s do it properly this time,” I say.  
  
“Are you serious?” I hear him ask.  
  
To make him understand how stupid his question was, I shoot him a sceptical glance without even bothering answering.  
  
“Sorry,” he says, smiling awkwardly.  
  
Returning to his senses, he pulls me closer to him when we arrive near the bed and kisses me roughly once more.  
  
We both groan as he pushes me onto the mattress, falling heavily with him on top.  
  
“I’ve already seen this side of you,” I say, remembering that time, back in Soul Society, when we kissed and then he... He had never betrayed me before.  
  
He seems to have remembered as well, for he looks away. “Oh… yeah… Sorry ‘bout that… I –”  
  
“It’s okay,” I cut in. “Well… I didn’t know what to think when I realized you were trying to ‘kill’ me again, but you brought me back… Did I even thank you for that?”  
  
“Of course you did. But you don’t need to… I’m the one who should really thank you for saving my life, a while ago,” he says, really seriously. “And also for challenging me, first,” he adds, smiling again. “I wish I had realized who you were earlier.”  
  
“Then,” I whisper in his ear, smiling, as he kisses my neck, “show me your gratitude; make me forgive you for not having even seen me before I challenged you.”  
  
The way he looks at me makes me understand that I won’t have to repeat it twice.  
  
Carefully, he starts by removing my glasses, which he lays on the bedside table while his eyes never leave my face. Then he removes my shirt as I do the same with his. I can feel that his heart is beating really fast, but so is mine; it’s pounding loudly in my ears.  
  
He starts licking his way down towards one of my nipples, gently running his thumb over the other.  
  
“Ah… Stop… Ichigo…” I whisper, holding his head to force him to stop and look at me. “Let me be the one to thank you properly, first,” I say, sitting up.  
  
He looks at me questioningly from his sitting position in front of me, but I leave no place for words as I reach down to unbuckle his pants.  
  
“Uryuu… Wh–”  
  
“Will you shut up for once?” I joke, looking up to see him wide-eyed.  
  
Then he laughs, but as I slowly run my thumb teasingly over his already hard member, he gasps and puts his arms behind to brace himself up in a sitting position.  
  
“That’s better,” I whisper, moving down to lick at the trickle of pre-come that was already dripping down his length.  
  
Holding his hips with the other hand, I start sucking lightly on the tip. Encouraged by the low groan I hear from above, I take him further into my mouth, stopping at times to lick and suck a little.  
  
However, he suddenly tangles a hand in my hair.  
  
“Nnn… Stop… Or I’ll–” he stammers, breathing fast.  
  
Pulling away, I look up at him while smirking and licking my lips. “Already?”  
  
“Of course already, I can’t last long with you doing this kind of thing!” he retorts, pulling me up to kiss me and push me back onto the bed.  
  
“Let me show you,” he offers between kisses, his voice low. He is already undoing my pants.  
  
Caressing my nipples, he starts licking his way far too slowly downward.  
  
I arch my back as he starts licking at my erection, but he puts his hands on my hips to hold me still. After teasing a little, he slowly takes me into his mouth, sending shivers down my spine.  
  
Now I understand him. I already can’t take it anymore, so I grab his hair with both hands.  
  
“See?” he says proudly with a cocky grin, looking up.  
  
Hissing from the cool air suddenly surrounding me after his mouth moves away, I still manage to softly state my request.

“Take me, Ichigo…”  
  
Smile slowly fading, he looks at me with his eyes widening slightly.  
  
“Uryuu?”  
  
I don’t find it necessary to repeat myself, so I let him take the time to register what I said.  
  
Finally, he slowly crawls up to crush his mouth against mine; our tongues are fighting while we’re groaning from the sensation of our crotches rubbing against each other.  
  
“Do you have… any…?” he asks, pulling away. “Oh…” he mumbles as I shake my head. I had no use for it. Now I must consider buying some, though.  
  
He seems hesitant, so I take one of his hands, licking two of the fingers.  
  
“That will do for today,” I proclaim, looking unflinchingly into his wide eyes.  
  
“You're su–” he begins, stopping as I push my hips up to prevent him from asking the question, but causing both of us to groan again from the friction.  
  
“Yes, Ichigo, I am sure,” I whisper determinedly, taking his head in my hands to pull him down for another kiss.  
  
In the meantime, he trails his hand downwards to where no one but him will ever have the right to only think of, let alone touch.  
  
Slowly, he pushes one finger in, causing me to break the kiss, hissing from the sharp pain. He stops, looking intensely at me, so I mumble a weak “’s okay…”, seeing as I’m getting used to it quicker than I thought.  
  
So he moves on, still carefully, searching my face, and then kisses me passionately again to muffle my moans and make me relax as he adds a second finger. Uncomfortably, he continues stretching me, but the way he’s kissing me is making everything far more agreeable.  
  
“Ah… Ichi… go…” I stutter as he brushes against that particular point, making me go blind for a second, breaking the kiss again to breathe heavily.  
  
Then he takes his fingers out, kisses my neck, and positions himself between my legs.   
  
“I’m going in,” he warns me.  
  
Closing my eyes, I clutch the sheets tightly as he carefully pushes his way in. This is far more painful, but at the same time, it is also far more intensely pleasant.  
  
Once entirely in, he stops, leaning over me to kiss me again, lightly this time.  
  
As he starts moving, I wrap my arms around his shoulders, holding him tightly, also wrapping my legs around his waist at the same time.  
  
“God… Uryuu…” he pants.   
  
“Ichi…go…” I manage to pant, seeing on his face that he must feel the same way as I do at that moment.  
  
He slowly increases his pace, making both of us groan in unison with his thrusts.  
  
Everything is blank in my head as he brushes this wonderful area repeatedly. All that I can think of at the moment is him, but, at that precise moment… all I need to think of is him.  
  
I can feel he’s already close to reaching climax as his thrusts become more erratic. He reaches down to stroke me so I may reach my own climax, which doesn’t take that long. Finally, we come, almost together, him inside of me, me in his hand, blissfully growling each other’s name.  
  
Pulling out, he collapses beside me. We slowly regain our normal breathing in the silence of the room. He reaches to stroke my hair, holding his head up with the other hand. Turning on my side to face him, he smiles and I reach out to cup his cheek.  
  
“You make me feel better when you smile,” I say, smiling back.  
  
He opens his mouth, but closes it again, frowning  
  
“Oh! Is it what you said when… before you…” he finally manages to say.  
  
“Yes,” I answer, still smiling, but looking away.  
  
He pulls me in for a last lazy kiss before letting his head drop back on the pillow, resting under my neck.  
  
“Mmmh… n’love you…” he mumbles before falling asleep.  
  
Surprised at first, I can’t help but smiling foolishly against his head seconds after, whispering a quick “I love you too” while pulling him closer. As he pulls me even closer, I understand that he was not yet asleep after all.  
  
  
**********************************  
  
  
“Daddy…” Yuzu called, worried. “Why isn’t Ichigo back yet?”  
  
Her father walked towards her, and took her under the arms to pull her up happily.  
  
“Ah! Yuzu-chan, Daddy is so happy for his son!” he exclaims.  
  
“You know where he is?” the little girl asked as she was put back to ground.  
  
“Of course! Daddy knows everything!” Isshin replies, pounding a hand to his chest. He then looks off into the distance, remembering the past and adding: “You know, I was also about his age when I first–”  
  
“Shut up, old man. We don’t want to hear that, it’s disgusting,” his other daughter yells, cutting him off and kicking him hard in the shin. “How do you even know what he’s doing?”  
  
“Father’s instinct!” Isshin chirped from his crouching position, holding his shin and crying, both from joy and pain.


End file.
